One year later

In January of 2010, I made a new friend.  She coached me, encouraged me, listened to me, and helped me let myself be me.  In January of last year, I was struggling to find the happiness I'd worked so hard, and so long to build in my life.  It was right there in front of me, I could see it, I just wasn't feeling it.

I ventured away from the comfort of my home and family which I'd immersed myself in for several years.  I hesitantly took her advice and took time for myself.  I left the house alone.  I had no idea where to go, what to do, no money to consider many options.  I was terrified .

I don't consider myself a loner or an introvert, yet the thought of leaving the house to do something alone, without my husband, children, or a friend was nearly paralyzing.  I agonized over what to do with myself, I surfed the web for "free things to do in {my city}", I nearly cried when I learned that the library didn't open early on Sundays, and then again when I realized I only had $5 in my purse.  What in the world am I supposed to do with myself?  What does it mean to focus on yourself?  What does it mean to do things for yourself, by yourself?

Most moms can relate to the idea of putting themselves last.  I figured, OK, I'll give it a try.  I headed to a local coffee shop and brought a book I'd borrowed from a friend.  How much more alone can you get than sitting with a book in a busy coffee shop, surrounded by people who aren't alone?  Reluctantly, I took the book, went to the coffee shop, and sat and tried to read.  I took in much of the book, but was entirely preoccupied by my surroundings.  I purchased a coffee, which was a feat in and of itself.  It took me a while to get comfortable ordering a coffee, but I did it.  Eventually, I would save some money during the week and even get myself something small to eat.  I people watched.  I took notes.  I wrote down what I was seeing, hearing, doing, thinking, feeling.  I filled pages in a single visit to the coffee shop.  Oh, and I read some, too.

Eventually, going out for my Sunday morning time alone was something I looked forward to.  By spring, I didn't even hesitate.  I got a new book, read, took notes, people watched, had coffee.  By summer, I felt like a new person.  I'd found a new coffee shop, gotten a laptop, and started this blog.  I got all  my digital pictures uploaded, sorted, and organized.  My husband and I had found a new balance at home with the house and the kids, and I was beginning to enjoy being home.  The kids and I planted seeds, we all did a big spring cleaning project, and we all worked outside in the yard once the weather was good enough.

Summer came along, slowly as it does around here, and I started running.  Slowly.  After being talked into doing a local race, I caught the bug and couldn't stop.  I replaced my morning coffee shop times with morning runs.  I had no idea where I was going, and sometimes I didn't get very far, but I ran.  I ran on my own.  Something I would never have done just a few months prior.

We took a family vacation.  A real vacation.  The "do next to nothing and like it" kind of vacation.  It was awesome.  And I didn't feel guilty.

I signed up for lots of races.  And I ran them.  Faster, and faster, and faster.

I sent my oldest off to kindergarten, and started spending days with my youngest.  I saw my friend, who started all of this, less frequently.  Her words of encouragement stayed with me, though, and I put her advice into practice as the months went by.

We took in a mother cat and her five babies, and cared for all of them.  We helped her raise her babies, and enjoyed the tenderness of those tiny babies and watched them grow.  Those babies changed a lot of things in this house, not the least of which was our hearts.  There's nothing like watching a mother cat and her babies.  And there's also nothing like watching those babies wreaking havoc in a house.  Just ask my Christmas tree.

We spent the holidays with family, as it should be, and we successfully showered our family with love and appropriate tangible gifts, and accepted the same with pleasure.  That's what the holidays are all about, isn't it?

The new year finally arrived and we enjoyed the first day surrounded by good friends and neighbors.  It is a new year, not just a different year.

With the holiday madness behind us, we reclaimed the non-Christmas home and tried to be positive about January.  We made it through January, only to be welcomed into February with a record setting blizzard.

I kept running.  Even ran more.

My husband and I started going out together, just the two of us.  Just as I had been unsure of what to do with myself last January, we looked at each other not having a clue what to do, out, alone, together.  But we finally did it.  And loved it.

My youngest, now potty trained, turned four and stopped napping, forever changing the landscape of our days.  He is amazing.

It's now (supposedly) spring again, and we've seen robins, tulips peeking, and the breezes are a bit warmer when they blow.  And I am still running.

In March this year, I saw my friend for the last time.  It was bittersweet, but I knew it was coming.  She helped me so much, and I'm now using the tools she showed me to see that happiness I couldn't see just one year ago.  It was time, I knew it, and I'm OK with it.  The tools she showed me were there the whole time, she just helped me find them.

I started this blog as an outlet, as my first earnest entry into the world of blogging.  It helped me sort my thoughts, and if nothing else, helped me see myself, and actually somewhat enjoy what I saw.  I grew a lot in the last year.  I changed a lot in the last year.  And now, it's time for my online self, persona, blog, to change.

It's time for this blog to grow up a bit.  To find a direction.  To get a new name.  I will be moving this blog to a new home.  Not too much will change, but, the name most certainly will.

I will be blogging with new confidence.  That's the only clue I'll give you for now with regard to the change.  Stay tuned.  I'll post the new name and location in the next few days.

Until then.......