The week started with a glimmer of spring. Really it did. You wouldn't know it today, though. I sit here in my spot at Panera, overlooking snow covered grass, trees, and bushes. What happened to warm temperatures, bright blue skies, and the sound of children finally escaping the confinement of winter? Sadly, it's taken a break.
Last weekend we began our spring cleaning. I made a list of things to do and we got one room mostly done. We filed away the stacks of papers, sorted through over a year's worth of art projects from both kids, and purged lots of unnecessary paperwork. I made folders for things in the file cabinets, and the desktop is now free from clutter and piles. Part of what is going to help me with ADD is being free from clutter and distraction. Making a place for everything from bills to art projects makes me feel so much better. I don't feel as anxious when I enter the guest room where the computer is. The room feels more functional and peaceful. Our next step in that room is to minimize the desk and install shelving to house the computer, printer, and fun trinkets that we like to keep on display in there. After a trip to the Container Store last weekend, I became inspired, and made a plan for the room. Can't wait to get it going.
Today we'll tackle our bedroom. They say your bedroom is your sanctuary and should be a place to find calm, quiet, and relaxation. Right now, you can find dust, laundry, and more dust. Today we will deconstruct the room and clean it from top to bottom. I cannot wait to crawl into bed tonight in my clean, hopefully organized room. I've toyed with posting pictures on HGTV.com Rate my Space but haven't done so yet.
One thing that's bugging the bejeezus out of me right now is that our camera, our Canon Power Shot A590 IS won't keep a charge, or so it appears. After replacing the coin battery and both AA's, it still won't power up, or it takes two pictures and tells me to change the batteries. I JUST DID!!!! Honestly, it's become my mission to fix this darn thing. I know of a couple camera shops in the area, but, am determined to figure out the problem myself. I did read online somewhere that there was a problem with the battery contacts which is prevalent with the A590 IS, but, only saw that once on a Q&A page. Will be researching more today.
As everyone knows, it's March Madness. Yes, our house is generally consumed this time of year with brackets, squares, and lots of quality time with CBS and CBSSports.com. This year, Daddy and I didn't buy into any squares, but, we're crazy with our brackets. My alma mater didn't make it to the Big Dance this year, unfortunately, so I was left to struggle with actually putting together a bracket based on season records and injury reports. My current feeling on the tournament - who really cared about the Midwest region anyway, right? Ya, Kansas and Georgetown stung me in one bracket. That's alright, I have one bracket still alive and I hope the rest of round two today goes better for me than yesterday. My saving grace is that I'm not alone. Well, it doesn't make it all better, but, at least some of the experts went down with me.
I'm feeling pretty good about things today. I have some positive energy, I feel somewhat rested, and am looking forward to all things spring and summer. I'm relaxed here in my spot at Panera, and am looking forward to tuna steaks for dinner. Yum.
I need to plan my menu for the next two weeks, to include dinner next Sunday for Daddy's family. He has recently reconnected, after 7 years apart, with one of his cousins from his father's side. It's been a long time since we've seen or talked with anyone from this side of Daddy's family, and he is very much looking forward to it. Cousin #1 will be coming with her three children and her father, Daddy's uncle. My plan is to clean my house top to bottom and wow their pants off. I love to entertain, so I'm going to try to plan a meal that will bring the house down. Need to think about appetizers and wine, and of course a yummy dessert. Gonna take some thinkin', I think!
I guess Mother Nature has a plan for us. I guess I should take the cold and snow as my clue to get working inside so I can sooner enjoy the outside. When I think about it, that's just what I'm doing for ME. I'm working on the inside of me so that I can enjoy all of what is around me. My husband, my kids, my home, my friends, my world. Funny how things all seem to work together.
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ADD. Show all posts
21 March, 2010
14 March, 2010
Me time, week 8
Eight weeks. I've been taking time for myself now for eight weeks. Well, I missed a couple Sunday mornings, but the point is I've been thinking about ME for eight weeks now. What a difference eight weeks have made.
Two months ago I was angry, tired, and disappointed. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I needed a break. I needed to reconnect. I needed a change. I reached out for help.
I met a new friend who helped me understand that what I was going through was not uncommon, but also not unimportant. My challenges were just that, challenges, not obstacles. I could work through the challenges, and I could free myself of the anger, fatigue, and disappointment. Life as a working mom doesn't have to be an uphill battle. It can be, and is, fun, fulfilling, and worthy. I am worthy. I am fun. I am not crazy.
On this journey, I've found the inherent truth in the adage, "When Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". I've also uncovered, and come to appreciate, the unique aspects of what makes up me and the person that I've become. One of those things is ADHD/ADD. I've passed the "honeymoon" period of excitement and relief, and have arrived at the stage where the work begins. I've spend the last month since my diagnosis piecing together aspects of my life which have been shaped by the ADD which I've dealt with, unknowingly, most of my life. I've made the connection between things I thought I couldn't do, and living with something that simply makes those things more difficult for me to do. I've come to see that there is little that I "can't" do, and that I'm really not as inept in many areas as I once thought I was.
One of the ways I've come to reconnect is by carrying out the assignment my new friend gave me, which is to leave the house each week. Leave the house, don't just sit in a room with the door shut trying to block out the chatter, cries for Mommy, and sounds that are going on in the house. Not having any clue how to do this, I finally just picked a Sunday morning and left the house, and headed to a local Panera. There, I got to know a cast of characters, both patrons and employees, who provided me with plenty of people watching material. After a few weeks of going there, though, I lost the magic. I wasn't drawn there any longer. I could tell that I wasn't really spending time on me, I was spending time listening to the conversations, watching interactions, learning how people order their bagels, and getting annoyed by that damned bagel cutter. I struggled with whether that was really my just right spot, or if it was time to find another.
Fast forward to today. After a week off, it was time for me to leave the house for my Sunday morning me time. Where would I go? I seriously struggled with what to do. I finally decided to head to the Panera closer to my house. I chose Panera because I have a fun toy (which I'm writing on right now) that I wanted to try out. Now that I've become comfortable with the concept of "hanging out" in one of these coffee venues, I needed a comfortable place to play with my new toy, but one which wasn't as busy as the other place. I think I've found my just right spot. This location is slightly smaller, much more open, and tons more inviting. What a difference. It's not quite as busy and is not in the center of town. The staff are friendly, showed me the table where the coffee is, and I've seen most of the customers come in and be greeted with familiarity, as they are obviously regulars, or at least know the staff better than a first-timer like me.
In an area like this, just outside Chicago, it's easy to get lost. Not just the directionally challenged kind of lost, but, lost in the proverbial shuffle. On one hand, it's nice to know that everyone doesn't know every time you sneeze, fight with your spouse, or turn without using your turn signal. On the other hand, it can be tough to have that Little House on the Prairie feeling of knowing your local business owners, knowing your neighbors, and knowing that your community is there for you when you need it. It is possible, though. I feel, in this one small spot in this one large city, that I'm comfortable and welcome. This is a huge business, it's not a local shop (still looking for one of those, they're so few and far between any more). Still, in this one store, I walked in and felt comfortable. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so out of place that first week if I'd been in here.
Anyway, this time I've been taking for myself has allowed me to recharge a little and refocus on the positive. It's given the kids time to reconnect with their Daddy. It's given us all that little break we were all needing. Now, Momma's happy. Now I think we're all happy.
Two months ago I was angry, tired, and disappointed. I felt like I was at the end of my rope. I needed a break. I needed to reconnect. I needed a change. I reached out for help.
I met a new friend who helped me understand that what I was going through was not uncommon, but also not unimportant. My challenges were just that, challenges, not obstacles. I could work through the challenges, and I could free myself of the anger, fatigue, and disappointment. Life as a working mom doesn't have to be an uphill battle. It can be, and is, fun, fulfilling, and worthy. I am worthy. I am fun. I am not crazy.
On this journey, I've found the inherent truth in the adage, "When Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". I've also uncovered, and come to appreciate, the unique aspects of what makes up me and the person that I've become. One of those things is ADHD/ADD. I've passed the "honeymoon" period of excitement and relief, and have arrived at the stage where the work begins. I've spend the last month since my diagnosis piecing together aspects of my life which have been shaped by the ADD which I've dealt with, unknowingly, most of my life. I've made the connection between things I thought I couldn't do, and living with something that simply makes those things more difficult for me to do. I've come to see that there is little that I "can't" do, and that I'm really not as inept in many areas as I once thought I was.
One of the ways I've come to reconnect is by carrying out the assignment my new friend gave me, which is to leave the house each week. Leave the house, don't just sit in a room with the door shut trying to block out the chatter, cries for Mommy, and sounds that are going on in the house. Not having any clue how to do this, I finally just picked a Sunday morning and left the house, and headed to a local Panera. There, I got to know a cast of characters, both patrons and employees, who provided me with plenty of people watching material. After a few weeks of going there, though, I lost the magic. I wasn't drawn there any longer. I could tell that I wasn't really spending time on me, I was spending time listening to the conversations, watching interactions, learning how people order their bagels, and getting annoyed by that damned bagel cutter. I struggled with whether that was really my just right spot, or if it was time to find another.
Fast forward to today. After a week off, it was time for me to leave the house for my Sunday morning me time. Where would I go? I seriously struggled with what to do. I finally decided to head to the Panera closer to my house. I chose Panera because I have a fun toy (which I'm writing on right now) that I wanted to try out. Now that I've become comfortable with the concept of "hanging out" in one of these coffee venues, I needed a comfortable place to play with my new toy, but one which wasn't as busy as the other place. I think I've found my just right spot. This location is slightly smaller, much more open, and tons more inviting. What a difference. It's not quite as busy and is not in the center of town. The staff are friendly, showed me the table where the coffee is, and I've seen most of the customers come in and be greeted with familiarity, as they are obviously regulars, or at least know the staff better than a first-timer like me.
In an area like this, just outside Chicago, it's easy to get lost. Not just the directionally challenged kind of lost, but, lost in the proverbial shuffle. On one hand, it's nice to know that everyone doesn't know every time you sneeze, fight with your spouse, or turn without using your turn signal. On the other hand, it can be tough to have that Little House on the Prairie feeling of knowing your local business owners, knowing your neighbors, and knowing that your community is there for you when you need it. It is possible, though. I feel, in this one small spot in this one large city, that I'm comfortable and welcome. This is a huge business, it's not a local shop (still looking for one of those, they're so few and far between any more). Still, in this one store, I walked in and felt comfortable. Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so out of place that first week if I'd been in here.
Anyway, this time I've been taking for myself has allowed me to recharge a little and refocus on the positive. It's given the kids time to reconnect with their Daddy. It's given us all that little break we were all needing. Now, Momma's happy. Now I think we're all happy.
14 February, 2010
Me time, week 5
This week I decided to do my me time another day, since today is Valentine's Day. It's not a huge deal between my husband and I, but I thought it would be nice to spend the day together. The whole day. Plus, Ethel is totally into Valentine's Day, so I wanted to be around for the morning at least and give the kids cards and a small token that Nani mailed to each of them.
Fred woke early again today, a pattern he started in the middle of the week. This morning he held off until 5AM, so that was a lucky break. Even being Daddy's day to get out of bed with the kids, I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Fred open his bedroom door. Daddy's reflexes are quite dulled in slumber, so I took this one for the team. Fred agreed to turn on a light and play in his room, and he did so for about an hour and a half. I have to admit (now that the sun is up and I've had some coffee), he was really sweet as he played with his cars in his room, quoting Dinosaur Train, singing songs, and organizing the cars by color. I still dozed on and off until he finally exited his room, announcing that it was time to start the day. He and Daddy brushed their teeth together and headed downstairs. Ethel was still sleeping in her bed, having gone to bed late after a birthday party yesterday.
I somehow found sleep again and was able to keep my eyes shut and my mind turned off until about 7:30, when I decided to check the morning news franchises. I'm a Good Morning America girl on the weekends, when I happen to catch the AM show. It's been a while since I checked in on Bill and Kate, but, they haven't changed much since I last saw them. Then I figured I'd check on Lester Holt over on Today, and learned about the Olympic happenings I'd missed while I was out last night, and couldn't keep my eyes open for later (sorry Apollo).
I soon heard some noise from Ethel's room, and found her on her bed, having sorted the goodies from her adorable goody bag from yeterday's birthday party. A cute Princess purse, one of those little metal ones with the beaded handle, filled with bubbles, some candy, and assorted other trinkets. She's taken the candy aside, and then asked me to put it in the candy bin I have in the cabinet. I guess my habit of scavenging the kids' goody bags over the years have paid off, as Ethel readily offered the candy for storage, rather than pulling the covers over her head attempting to hide while eating a Butterfinger. I dutifully agreed to put the candy away for her, and she opted to play with her goodies instead of joining the boys downstairs and getting some breakfast.
Eventually she conceded and Daddy and the kids had breakfast while I watched a little Teen Mom, 5 Ingredient Fix, and the Biography on Elton John. I am a sucker for mindless TV, and the ADD lends well to my ability to channel surf and still keep up with each show. :)
Daddy came in about a half hour ago to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, and agreed that I would spend a little more time relaxing before joining the family. After all, the last four Sundays I was already heading out the door at this hour. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and headed down to get a coffee. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Daddy had remembered to turn on the coffee maker for me. Suddenly, the fact that the dining room light was on (something that would normally irritate me) was a non-issue. I got my coffee and came back upstairs to find Ethel wearing the Snow White dress she'd worn to the birthday party (and last weekend to the story time), which I'd placed in the laundry basket last night. None of this bothers me right now. Rather than walk around the house and nit-pick, as I so commonly do, I am enjoying a relaxing morning.
I realize that the past four Sunday mornings have allowed the kids and Daddy to establish a morning routine which doesn't require whining for Mommy, nor Mommy's intervention. My house is calm, my family is happy, and anything that needs to be done will be there when I decide to tackle it. What a gift my alone time, my me time, has given me. Even if the calm is disturbed, even if Fred has a "I've been up for four hours and I'm crabby" meltdown, I've had this moment to see how wonderful my family is.
I will probably take this weekend off from my me time, and that's fine with me. I hope the girls behind the counter at Panera understand, and I hope they still have a warm hazlenut coffee for me next week. I'll miss hearing about what the three ladies did this week, what movie pulled back guy recommends, and seeing the two guys who got the tall table last week. Hopefully we can all start again where we left off when I return next week. We'll enjoy our coffee together. I'll do my reading. My kids will have their time with their Daddy. And I'll have my coffee. Yum.
Fred woke early again today, a pattern he started in the middle of the week. This morning he held off until 5AM, so that was a lucky break. Even being Daddy's day to get out of bed with the kids, I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Fred open his bedroom door. Daddy's reflexes are quite dulled in slumber, so I took this one for the team. Fred agreed to turn on a light and play in his room, and he did so for about an hour and a half. I have to admit (now that the sun is up and I've had some coffee), he was really sweet as he played with his cars in his room, quoting Dinosaur Train, singing songs, and organizing the cars by color. I still dozed on and off until he finally exited his room, announcing that it was time to start the day. He and Daddy brushed their teeth together and headed downstairs. Ethel was still sleeping in her bed, having gone to bed late after a birthday party yesterday.
I somehow found sleep again and was able to keep my eyes shut and my mind turned off until about 7:30, when I decided to check the morning news franchises. I'm a Good Morning America girl on the weekends, when I happen to catch the AM show. It's been a while since I checked in on Bill and Kate, but, they haven't changed much since I last saw them. Then I figured I'd check on Lester Holt over on Today, and learned about the Olympic happenings I'd missed while I was out last night, and couldn't keep my eyes open for later (sorry Apollo).
I soon heard some noise from Ethel's room, and found her on her bed, having sorted the goodies from her adorable goody bag from yeterday's birthday party. A cute Princess purse, one of those little metal ones with the beaded handle, filled with bubbles, some candy, and assorted other trinkets. She's taken the candy aside, and then asked me to put it in the candy bin I have in the cabinet. I guess my habit of scavenging the kids' goody bags over the years have paid off, as Ethel readily offered the candy for storage, rather than pulling the covers over her head attempting to hide while eating a Butterfinger. I dutifully agreed to put the candy away for her, and she opted to play with her goodies instead of joining the boys downstairs and getting some breakfast.
Eventually she conceded and Daddy and the kids had breakfast while I watched a little Teen Mom, 5 Ingredient Fix, and the Biography on Elton John. I am a sucker for mindless TV, and the ADD lends well to my ability to channel surf and still keep up with each show. :)
Daddy came in about a half hour ago to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, and agreed that I would spend a little more time relaxing before joining the family. After all, the last four Sundays I was already heading out the door at this hour. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and headed down to get a coffee. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Daddy had remembered to turn on the coffee maker for me. Suddenly, the fact that the dining room light was on (something that would normally irritate me) was a non-issue. I got my coffee and came back upstairs to find Ethel wearing the Snow White dress she'd worn to the birthday party (and last weekend to the story time), which I'd placed in the laundry basket last night. None of this bothers me right now. Rather than walk around the house and nit-pick, as I so commonly do, I am enjoying a relaxing morning.
I realize that the past four Sunday mornings have allowed the kids and Daddy to establish a morning routine which doesn't require whining for Mommy, nor Mommy's intervention. My house is calm, my family is happy, and anything that needs to be done will be there when I decide to tackle it. What a gift my alone time, my me time, has given me. Even if the calm is disturbed, even if Fred has a "I've been up for four hours and I'm crabby" meltdown, I've had this moment to see how wonderful my family is.
I will probably take this weekend off from my me time, and that's fine with me. I hope the girls behind the counter at Panera understand, and I hope they still have a warm hazlenut coffee for me next week. I'll miss hearing about what the three ladies did this week, what movie pulled back guy recommends, and seeing the two guys who got the tall table last week. Hopefully we can all start again where we left off when I return next week. We'll enjoy our coffee together. I'll do my reading. My kids will have their time with their Daddy. And I'll have my coffee. Yum.
12 February, 2010
Goody, more goody bags...
I think Ethel envisioned some pretty large, fancy hearts matted on white, lacy eyelet. Mommy wasn't quite on board with that vision, and luckily, Ethel is happy to go the minimalist route when it's called for. This is a skill I appreciate when she changes her plan two days before said craft is required for presentation.
Both kids were looking forward to their parties. Well, Ethel more than Fred. Fred thought the party was for him, so I went with it. When you're two, what does it matter? :)
This gave me a couple hours of solitary time at home. It's such a strange feeling to be alone in the house. It doesn't happen often, and I'm pretty glad for that. I had a bunch of work to take care of, so it was nice not to have the distraction of the kids playing, fighting, needing to go potty, wanting a toy that's out of reach, or not wanting the other one to be in their room. Two whole hours. What's a mom to do? Well, this mom got some work done. And some dishes.
Having gotten work caught up, I chose to leave a little early and head to the school and hang out with the kids for the end of their parties. When I arrived, Ethel's class was playing Valentine BINGO! They were in the middle of a game, and all the kids had very intent looks on their faces as they studied their Valentine BINGO cards.This is when I got to witness Ethel in action in class, doing an activity having to do with reading. She's bright, she recognizes her letters and a few words when she puts her mind to it. I could see today, though, that she appears to be drifting off and not paying attention. She knows just what's going on around her, though. I'll make time next week to talk to her teacher about watching for sings of ADD. I want to nip this in the bud.
Pencils, cards, chocolate, and lots of candy hearts. Fred got a coupon for free bowling, and Ethel made me a keychain. I got a bookmark and a framed picture of Fred, and Ethel got a cool Valentine with a paper pot of seeds (this one is ultra cool). The empty tissue box I sent to school earlier this week came back decorated and repurposed as a Valentine treat holder.
10 February, 2010
Opening doors
I spent the lunch hour with my new friend today. I have to get these thoughts out before they disappear, and they're flowing too quickly for me to hand write. :)
First, she reassured me that I'm in a discovery mode since we diagnosed the ADD. I'm connecting dots between my present and my past. The dots have always been there, I'm just adding the connections now, so things I've always known are taking on new meaning for me. This is, apparently, normal and is a positive step. Whew! I mentioned how much of what I remember from my past makes quite a bit of sense to me now. My Sunday me time was a bit of a challenge because I'd been out later the night before, so I was pretty tired. It's normal for people to not be at the top of their game when they're tired, and for me it's a little more challenging as I deal with the symptoms of ADD. Never was that more painful for me than when I was a child. I don't function well on little sleep, and now that whole thing has come together in my mind. I wasn't a bad kid, and things I did and said weren't just part of my personality. There's the key. I can now recategorize things about myself! It's not "just how I am" or "part of my personality". It's a result of the ADD (in many cases), and my personality has been shaped as a result of the way I do things or the way I handle things. Very intersting perspective.
I went on to talk about my Fancy Nancy day with Ethel this weekend. Somehow this snowballed and morphed into a discussion about my parents, their parents, and it just flowed from my mind. I talked about my father quite a bit, which is the first time I'd brought him up to my new friend. It was interesting how my father from my childhood could have as much to do with my expectations of my husband's role in my life as it does. I think another door has opened which I should enter and explore what's inside.
I feel less blame on myself as Mother today. I feel actually that I'm doing a decent job, and I'm doing right by my kids. I don't always feel that way, but, after my lunch hour with my new friend, I do feel a bit better. I look forward to another lunch with my new friend, and exploring what's behind more doors.
First, she reassured me that I'm in a discovery mode since we diagnosed the ADD. I'm connecting dots between my present and my past. The dots have always been there, I'm just adding the connections now, so things I've always known are taking on new meaning for me. This is, apparently, normal and is a positive step. Whew! I mentioned how much of what I remember from my past makes quite a bit of sense to me now. My Sunday me time was a bit of a challenge because I'd been out later the night before, so I was pretty tired. It's normal for people to not be at the top of their game when they're tired, and for me it's a little more challenging as I deal with the symptoms of ADD. Never was that more painful for me than when I was a child. I don't function well on little sleep, and now that whole thing has come together in my mind. I wasn't a bad kid, and things I did and said weren't just part of my personality. There's the key. I can now recategorize things about myself! It's not "just how I am" or "part of my personality". It's a result of the ADD (in many cases), and my personality has been shaped as a result of the way I do things or the way I handle things. Very intersting perspective.
I went on to talk about my Fancy Nancy day with Ethel this weekend. Somehow this snowballed and morphed into a discussion about my parents, their parents, and it just flowed from my mind. I talked about my father quite a bit, which is the first time I'd brought him up to my new friend. It was interesting how my father from my childhood could have as much to do with my expectations of my husband's role in my life as it does. I think another door has opened which I should enter and explore what's inside.
I feel less blame on myself as Mother today. I feel actually that I'm doing a decent job, and I'm doing right by my kids. I don't always feel that way, but, after my lunch hour with my new friend, I do feel a bit better. I look forward to another lunch with my new friend, and exploring what's behind more doors.
08 February, 2010
Me time, part 4 (B)
Today's me time posting had to take two entries. First, I have too many thoughts in my mind to create any single entry that would make any sense to anyone other than me. Second, I need to focus my thoughts about my progress with ME in their own spot, I don't want to mix them too much with other stuff that goes on in my head. Three, it's totally unfair to any reader to have to scroll for days just to read about two hours of my life in a restaurant. So, this is my part B entry for my me time today.
Today I took notes. I already talked about how hard it was for me to focus today, and taking notes at least keeps me reminded that I had a thought. So often I have too many thoughts at a single time to keep them straight even to myself, so I agreed to let myself rely on my pen and paper today.
I got to Panera this morning, unsure of what the morning would bring. The past three visits, I knew that I was taking time for me, and I really wanted it. Today I didn't have that entirely selfish feeling about it, though. I can't pin point it, I can't make sense of it. I just felt differently this morning (one might qualify that feeling as "hungover", but, I hesitate to use that word just yet, I have felt worse in the past). OK, move on.
I approached the counter and waited my turn to order, catching the eye of the girl behind the counter. I can't tell if the staff are beginning to recognize me, and it doesn't matter if they do, but it always feels nice when someone remembers you. Well, me. Anyway, I soon realized that the girl's eyes meeting mine might have been a cry for help from the guy in front of me. The man in front of me stood probably just over 6 feet tall, is probably in his early 60's, and was dressed well, including a nice hat. You just don't see men, or women for that matter, wearing nice hats that often these days. A ball cap, usually, but not a nice brimmed topper with a gentle pucker in the top for easy application. He was holding a book in the crook of his arm, "The Modern Gentleman", and I could see that he was exemplary of the title. His ability to order food and drink, though, were blatantly lacking. The poor girl behind the counter had to explain to him that he could order his food from her, she would tell him the total cost, he would pay her, and the food could be collected at the counter to his right. Now I thought I had issues with ordering in a coffee shop, but this guy made me feel like I was a pro. I lost count at three times that she showed him where he would collect his sandwhich after it was freshly made to his specificiations. After repeating that the bread was only lightly buttered, no mayo, she reminded him again where he could find the desired condements should his sandwhich need additional decoration. Excited to have grasped the concept, he nearly vacated his place in line before the girl behind the counter returned his credit card and gave him his receipt and "your food's ready" light-up square. After completing the transaction fully, it was then my turn to order.
I decided not to set my sights on the mug today. I was satisfied with the paper cup idea, and knowing I could take it home with me, and I wouldn't have to get up to refill too often, as I would with the mug. I just didn't have it in me today to put that much effort into my coffee. I opted not to order food, I don't like to overachieve on mornings like this. So I paid my fee and turned to the table with the coffee. I was shocked, left vulnerable, and unsure what to do. The hazlenut coffee was not on the table. Oh no. Are they not offering it today? Did I miss something? Were they cutting costs? What happened?? Slowly, I got a grip on myself and turned around to see a young guy with his Panera shirt and name tag on. I didn't bother to read his name, I needed coffee, his name didn't matter to me. I asked if the hazlenut was brewing, and he flashed a sympathetic smile and told me yes, it would be ready in a few minutes. Whew! I relaxed and agreed to wait at my chosen spot until the brew arrived. For a moment, though, I contemplated the light roast and thought about how much extra half and half and sugar I would add if I went that route, or perhaps I should go to the counter and explain that I don't like unflavored coffee and I would prefer a mocha or a latte or something else that I don't know how to order just for the sake of having something to drink while I hogged a seat in a restaurant for way longer than you should be allowed to do. Thankfully, none of that action was required, and soon the hazlenut arrived to the table. I could tell I wasn't the only one who was caught off guard, as I noticed the coffee was tapped almost as soon as the girl brought it to the table. OK, mission salvaged.
I chose a seat along the wall in the same area I sat in last week. I realized that sitting with my back to the majority of the action was too uncomfortable for me, so I chose the bench seat along the wall so that I could take in more of the scenery. I sat close enough to the window that I was able to drink up the plentiful sunshine, despite the fact that my eyes and head didn't seem to be on board with the plan. My mind and body yearn for a good dose of sunshine this time of year, but, the eye and head team don't often play nice in that sandbox. Of course, taking them all to the bar last night didn't really do much for getting them all on the same page. Still, I knew that the sun would be good for me, and I took my place on the bench seat. I noticed immediately that the two men in this seat last week were at one of the high tables along the window. Lucky dogs. The man with the yellow sweater was at the same table as last week, but, the sweater was a different color. I didn't notice the color of his sweater this week, I hadn't had my coffee yet. I did notice, though, when he left that his soft scarf was a very pretty buttery yellow, so he did continue the theme this week. It's a nice color on him, too. After settling in my seat, I noticed that I probably followed a pack of wolves by the look of the mess on the floor and three small tables pushed together. I am always amazed at how difficult it appears to be for some people to aim for the mouth, and to succeed in that endeavour. Laying judgement aside, I kept the seat because it was too much effort to move, and I didn't want to look stupid.
Ignoring my eyes and their request to be hidden, I stared outside at the softly falling snow. We're not getting the 2 feet of snow that they got out East, but, there was some snow falling. It was almost like a movie where the snow is falling slowly just for the sake of allowing the camera to catch its white beauty. The thought kept entering my mind, "Can you hear the snow falling?". Odd thought, I guess. Anyway, I stared at the snow as it fell on the parking lot, and it was very calming. My eyes won the battle and their cries to make me stop looking out the window were heeded, as I returned my sights on the customers exiting the dining area. For the most part ,the crowd is dressed pretty well. I already admitted I'm definitely not a fashion plate, but, that's not to say that I live in the slummy clothes that I was wearing on my first visit here. I know what's within the acceptable boundaries of good taste and obvious effort when you dress to leave your house and present yourself to the general public. At least, I would argue that I do. What puzzles me, though, are people like one woman I saw who gave no impression of effort, and left no doubt that she'd literally just rolled out of bed. Baggy sweat pants, oversized boots, a jacket two sizes too big, and hair that needed some desperate attention, I couldn't believe that she really left the house and agreed with herself that she looked alright to go out somewhere and eat. I know it's not the 95th or anything, but even *I* brushed my hair. I wonder what the man with the hat would have thought. Or the mid-60's gentleman with two lady friends at a table near the door, wearing their Sunday's best. Oh well, I guess that's how things are today. The place is casual, so why put the effort into your own appearance? I don't certainly mean that one should wear make up, a suit and tie, or go to that extreme, but, at least brush your hair and put on sweats that fit you. And to the woman with the purse that literally hung to her knee, time for a new purse. Seriously, no purse was ever intended to hang at your knee. Messenger bag, look into it. Thank you.
It wasn't long before the two gentlemen at the tall table retreated to journey on with their Sundays. One guy grabbed his paper and coffee and headed right for the door. The other made an obligatory call home before getting up from the table. After he slowly departed the restaurant, I looked around the area and noticed that I was the only one in the whole area. Well, besides two women at a table next to the door, but, they were pretty deep in their conversation, so I knew that they didn't notice anything that was going on around them. This was my chance to try the tall table by the window. By now, my eyes had adjusted to the sun light and I wasn't entirely comfortable on the bench seat. Once I got up the guts, I moved to the tall table by the window. It felt good to be that much closer to the window where I could feel the sun shine on my face. It was a little more comfortable, too, with the taller seat, firm seat back, and I was able to rest my feet on the seat across from me. There were some crumbs on the table, but, the two gentlemen before me were definitely neater than whomever had preceeded me at my previous seat along the wall.
The nice manager, I think her name tag said "Laurie", came by to clean the tables, and asked if I minded her cleaning mine. I told her that was no problem for me and I tried to move my book and coffe out of her way, and she picked up my sunglasses off the table. As she went to lay them back down, they slipped from her hand and she joked that she'd just scratched my expensive shades, to which I just had to laugh. We continued a little joking about the merits of buying inexpensive sunglasses and the inhernt risk of loss and damage when we spend more money. Just then, the lady in the Alaska sweatshirt who'd just arrived said that she never paid more than $X for sunglasses until she got prescription ones, which she promptly broke. We three shared some fun blips about cheap sunglasses and where to get the cheapest, but, decent looking, sunglasses. The Alaska lady went to the counter to order, and Laurie continued on with her duties. I went back to my book, then glanced out the window to see the guy with the pulled back (from last week) walking toward the store. Ah, a familiar face. As he entered the restaurant, he immediately found a spot (where the man in the yellow sweater had been sitting) and then went to the counter to order.
I have to tangent for a moment to note that I don't know that I've ever rested my things before going to the counter to order. I kind of do it the old school way by entering, ordering, then sitting. Both the guy with the pulled back and Alaska lady sat first, then ordered. Hm.
Turns out, pulled back guy and Alaska lady know each other. It wasn't long before Alaska lady was joined by a pleasant woman in a bright, striped turtle neck, and I realized that these were the ladies from the table beside me last week, who talked about the census. Ah, this appears to be a regular meeting time and place for the ladies. It was just me, the ladies, and the pulled back guy in our area, so I was able to hear most of what they talked about. This added to my difficulty focusing on my book, but I decided not to fight it and just listen to whatever my mind picked out in the room. It almost seems unfair, too, that I am learning so much about all these strangers and they know nothing of me. I'm there by myself, yet they are there together sharing snippets with each other, and as a result, with me. Anyway, this week I found out that pulled back guy has a son of unknown (to me) age, and I believe has a lady in his life expecting a child (his?), is a teacher, didn't vote Tuesday due to oversleeping and time constraints, he doesn't like Melville, wanted the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Of the three ladies from last week, one was not going to be joining the other two. One of the ladies borrowed Love, Actually from pulled back guy, which led to a discussion about Love, Actually vs. Gone With the Wind (random); both ladies were rooting for the Colts, and the great things about Netflix. All this conversation is nice and chatty, but, I get the feeling that these ladies are at Panera for more than just girl talk and seeing pulled back guy. They're here to make plans, to take action, and make changes in their worlds. They didn't get to discussing their thoughts on the census before I realized that it was time for me to leave.
I knew I wasn't focusing my thoughts and energy on me, which is the point for my alone time, so I decided to pack it up. As I did, a man in a Bears hat, blue shirt, and blue and orange vest approached the table of two of the three ladies, and soon sat to discuss the Super Bowl and why he decided it didn't matter to him who wins the game. He appeared to be alone, had already gotten his coffe, and sat at a table beside the ladies. His demeanor was almost guarded as he approached their table, as if he was prepared to battle over the football game or the comparison between Love, Actually and GWTW, or maybe he doesn't like Netflix. Who knows. I didn't stay long enough to find out. As I left the restaurant, pulled back guy was engrossed in something on his laptop, the two of three ladies were talking to the guy in the Bears hat, and the man in the hat from earlier was seated near the big comfy chairs reading a book. I don't recall seeing him leave, but, he must have because his copy of "The Modern Gentleman" rested on the table next to the new book, a very thick piece which he was thoroughly intersted in at that moment. His hat lay next to the Gentleman book.
I left the restaurant and headed to the store for a few things before heading home. I'm not sure if the tall table is just right for me, but am willing to give it a try again next time. The tall table gave me a new perspective, a new angle on the area I sat in. Perhaps I need to try another spot to get yet another angle, another perspective. Just as I likely should do in my own life, find a new angle, a new perspective. My reading, and knowing I have ADD are both my tall table, allowing me to now seek that new angle, that new perspective. And even a new cup of coffee.
Today I took notes. I already talked about how hard it was for me to focus today, and taking notes at least keeps me reminded that I had a thought. So often I have too many thoughts at a single time to keep them straight even to myself, so I agreed to let myself rely on my pen and paper today.
I got to Panera this morning, unsure of what the morning would bring. The past three visits, I knew that I was taking time for me, and I really wanted it. Today I didn't have that entirely selfish feeling about it, though. I can't pin point it, I can't make sense of it. I just felt differently this morning (one might qualify that feeling as "hungover", but, I hesitate to use that word just yet, I have felt worse in the past). OK, move on.
I approached the counter and waited my turn to order, catching the eye of the girl behind the counter. I can't tell if the staff are beginning to recognize me, and it doesn't matter if they do, but it always feels nice when someone remembers you. Well, me. Anyway, I soon realized that the girl's eyes meeting mine might have been a cry for help from the guy in front of me. The man in front of me stood probably just over 6 feet tall, is probably in his early 60's, and was dressed well, including a nice hat. You just don't see men, or women for that matter, wearing nice hats that often these days. A ball cap, usually, but not a nice brimmed topper with a gentle pucker in the top for easy application. He was holding a book in the crook of his arm, "The Modern Gentleman", and I could see that he was exemplary of the title. His ability to order food and drink, though, were blatantly lacking. The poor girl behind the counter had to explain to him that he could order his food from her, she would tell him the total cost, he would pay her, and the food could be collected at the counter to his right. Now I thought I had issues with ordering in a coffee shop, but this guy made me feel like I was a pro. I lost count at three times that she showed him where he would collect his sandwhich after it was freshly made to his specificiations. After repeating that the bread was only lightly buttered, no mayo, she reminded him again where he could find the desired condements should his sandwhich need additional decoration. Excited to have grasped the concept, he nearly vacated his place in line before the girl behind the counter returned his credit card and gave him his receipt and "your food's ready" light-up square. After completing the transaction fully, it was then my turn to order.
I decided not to set my sights on the mug today. I was satisfied with the paper cup idea, and knowing I could take it home with me, and I wouldn't have to get up to refill too often, as I would with the mug. I just didn't have it in me today to put that much effort into my coffee. I opted not to order food, I don't like to overachieve on mornings like this. So I paid my fee and turned to the table with the coffee. I was shocked, left vulnerable, and unsure what to do. The hazlenut coffee was not on the table. Oh no. Are they not offering it today? Did I miss something? Were they cutting costs? What happened?? Slowly, I got a grip on myself and turned around to see a young guy with his Panera shirt and name tag on. I didn't bother to read his name, I needed coffee, his name didn't matter to me. I asked if the hazlenut was brewing, and he flashed a sympathetic smile and told me yes, it would be ready in a few minutes. Whew! I relaxed and agreed to wait at my chosen spot until the brew arrived. For a moment, though, I contemplated the light roast and thought about how much extra half and half and sugar I would add if I went that route, or perhaps I should go to the counter and explain that I don't like unflavored coffee and I would prefer a mocha or a latte or something else that I don't know how to order just for the sake of having something to drink while I hogged a seat in a restaurant for way longer than you should be allowed to do. Thankfully, none of that action was required, and soon the hazlenut arrived to the table. I could tell I wasn't the only one who was caught off guard, as I noticed the coffee was tapped almost as soon as the girl brought it to the table. OK, mission salvaged.
I chose a seat along the wall in the same area I sat in last week. I realized that sitting with my back to the majority of the action was too uncomfortable for me, so I chose the bench seat along the wall so that I could take in more of the scenery. I sat close enough to the window that I was able to drink up the plentiful sunshine, despite the fact that my eyes and head didn't seem to be on board with the plan. My mind and body yearn for a good dose of sunshine this time of year, but, the eye and head team don't often play nice in that sandbox. Of course, taking them all to the bar last night didn't really do much for getting them all on the same page. Still, I knew that the sun would be good for me, and I took my place on the bench seat. I noticed immediately that the two men in this seat last week were at one of the high tables along the window. Lucky dogs. The man with the yellow sweater was at the same table as last week, but, the sweater was a different color. I didn't notice the color of his sweater this week, I hadn't had my coffee yet. I did notice, though, when he left that his soft scarf was a very pretty buttery yellow, so he did continue the theme this week. It's a nice color on him, too. After settling in my seat, I noticed that I probably followed a pack of wolves by the look of the mess on the floor and three small tables pushed together. I am always amazed at how difficult it appears to be for some people to aim for the mouth, and to succeed in that endeavour. Laying judgement aside, I kept the seat because it was too much effort to move, and I didn't want to look stupid.
Ignoring my eyes and their request to be hidden, I stared outside at the softly falling snow. We're not getting the 2 feet of snow that they got out East, but, there was some snow falling. It was almost like a movie where the snow is falling slowly just for the sake of allowing the camera to catch its white beauty. The thought kept entering my mind, "Can you hear the snow falling?". Odd thought, I guess. Anyway, I stared at the snow as it fell on the parking lot, and it was very calming. My eyes won the battle and their cries to make me stop looking out the window were heeded, as I returned my sights on the customers exiting the dining area. For the most part ,the crowd is dressed pretty well. I already admitted I'm definitely not a fashion plate, but, that's not to say that I live in the slummy clothes that I was wearing on my first visit here. I know what's within the acceptable boundaries of good taste and obvious effort when you dress to leave your house and present yourself to the general public. At least, I would argue that I do. What puzzles me, though, are people like one woman I saw who gave no impression of effort, and left no doubt that she'd literally just rolled out of bed. Baggy sweat pants, oversized boots, a jacket two sizes too big, and hair that needed some desperate attention, I couldn't believe that she really left the house and agreed with herself that she looked alright to go out somewhere and eat. I know it's not the 95th or anything, but even *I* brushed my hair. I wonder what the man with the hat would have thought. Or the mid-60's gentleman with two lady friends at a table near the door, wearing their Sunday's best. Oh well, I guess that's how things are today. The place is casual, so why put the effort into your own appearance? I don't certainly mean that one should wear make up, a suit and tie, or go to that extreme, but, at least brush your hair and put on sweats that fit you. And to the woman with the purse that literally hung to her knee, time for a new purse. Seriously, no purse was ever intended to hang at your knee. Messenger bag, look into it. Thank you.
It wasn't long before the two gentlemen at the tall table retreated to journey on with their Sundays. One guy grabbed his paper and coffee and headed right for the door. The other made an obligatory call home before getting up from the table. After he slowly departed the restaurant, I looked around the area and noticed that I was the only one in the whole area. Well, besides two women at a table next to the door, but, they were pretty deep in their conversation, so I knew that they didn't notice anything that was going on around them. This was my chance to try the tall table by the window. By now, my eyes had adjusted to the sun light and I wasn't entirely comfortable on the bench seat. Once I got up the guts, I moved to the tall table by the window. It felt good to be that much closer to the window where I could feel the sun shine on my face. It was a little more comfortable, too, with the taller seat, firm seat back, and I was able to rest my feet on the seat across from me. There were some crumbs on the table, but, the two gentlemen before me were definitely neater than whomever had preceeded me at my previous seat along the wall.
The nice manager, I think her name tag said "Laurie", came by to clean the tables, and asked if I minded her cleaning mine. I told her that was no problem for me and I tried to move my book and coffe out of her way, and she picked up my sunglasses off the table. As she went to lay them back down, they slipped from her hand and she joked that she'd just scratched my expensive shades, to which I just had to laugh. We continued a little joking about the merits of buying inexpensive sunglasses and the inhernt risk of loss and damage when we spend more money. Just then, the lady in the Alaska sweatshirt who'd just arrived said that she never paid more than $X for sunglasses until she got prescription ones, which she promptly broke. We three shared some fun blips about cheap sunglasses and where to get the cheapest, but, decent looking, sunglasses. The Alaska lady went to the counter to order, and Laurie continued on with her duties. I went back to my book, then glanced out the window to see the guy with the pulled back (from last week) walking toward the store. Ah, a familiar face. As he entered the restaurant, he immediately found a spot (where the man in the yellow sweater had been sitting) and then went to the counter to order.
I have to tangent for a moment to note that I don't know that I've ever rested my things before going to the counter to order. I kind of do it the old school way by entering, ordering, then sitting. Both the guy with the pulled back and Alaska lady sat first, then ordered. Hm.
Turns out, pulled back guy and Alaska lady know each other. It wasn't long before Alaska lady was joined by a pleasant woman in a bright, striped turtle neck, and I realized that these were the ladies from the table beside me last week, who talked about the census. Ah, this appears to be a regular meeting time and place for the ladies. It was just me, the ladies, and the pulled back guy in our area, so I was able to hear most of what they talked about. This added to my difficulty focusing on my book, but I decided not to fight it and just listen to whatever my mind picked out in the room. It almost seems unfair, too, that I am learning so much about all these strangers and they know nothing of me. I'm there by myself, yet they are there together sharing snippets with each other, and as a result, with me. Anyway, this week I found out that pulled back guy has a son of unknown (to me) age, and I believe has a lady in his life expecting a child (his?), is a teacher, didn't vote Tuesday due to oversleeping and time constraints, he doesn't like Melville, wanted the Saints to win the Super Bowl. Of the three ladies from last week, one was not going to be joining the other two. One of the ladies borrowed Love, Actually from pulled back guy, which led to a discussion about Love, Actually vs. Gone With the Wind (random); both ladies were rooting for the Colts, and the great things about Netflix. All this conversation is nice and chatty, but, I get the feeling that these ladies are at Panera for more than just girl talk and seeing pulled back guy. They're here to make plans, to take action, and make changes in their worlds. They didn't get to discussing their thoughts on the census before I realized that it was time for me to leave.
I knew I wasn't focusing my thoughts and energy on me, which is the point for my alone time, so I decided to pack it up. As I did, a man in a Bears hat, blue shirt, and blue and orange vest approached the table of two of the three ladies, and soon sat to discuss the Super Bowl and why he decided it didn't matter to him who wins the game. He appeared to be alone, had already gotten his coffe, and sat at a table beside the ladies. His demeanor was almost guarded as he approached their table, as if he was prepared to battle over the football game or the comparison between Love, Actually and GWTW, or maybe he doesn't like Netflix. Who knows. I didn't stay long enough to find out. As I left the restaurant, pulled back guy was engrossed in something on his laptop, the two of three ladies were talking to the guy in the Bears hat, and the man in the hat from earlier was seated near the big comfy chairs reading a book. I don't recall seeing him leave, but, he must have because his copy of "The Modern Gentleman" rested on the table next to the new book, a very thick piece which he was thoroughly intersted in at that moment. His hat lay next to the Gentleman book.
I left the restaurant and headed to the store for a few things before heading home. I'm not sure if the tall table is just right for me, but am willing to give it a try again next time. The tall table gave me a new perspective, a new angle on the area I sat in. Perhaps I need to try another spot to get yet another angle, another perspective. Just as I likely should do in my own life, find a new angle, a new perspective. My reading, and knowing I have ADD are both my tall table, allowing me to now seek that new angle, that new perspective. And even a new cup of coffee.
07 February, 2010
ME time, part 4 (A)
Today I am tired. I read somewhere that the symptoms of ADD can be worse when one is tired, and today is one of those days for me. I look back at my past three posts about my me time, and I'm amazed at how well I put my thoughts into words. Actually, the first week they poured out of me. The second, I remembered the things I'd noticed and written about the first week, and sort of tried to continue the theme. Last week I focused more on my reading about healthy selfishness, but I had a focus. This week, I am quite scattered. Being tired does wonders on my mind. I've always required sleep, and as a child was one of those kids that needed sleep more than other kids. Looking back, I had difficulty with sleep. I was the kid who kept coming out of their room at nap time asking, "Can I come out of my room now?" over and over and over again. It's surprising that my mother didn't drink her way through those years. Then again, maybe she did. I was always the first one up in our house, but, quickly learned to be stealth and nobody really knew I was up. I was, and still am on occaision, a sleep walker and/or talker. Sleep and I have a pretty strained relationship, and having kids didn't help bring us any closer.
So today I am tired because my husband and I got out of the house last night. We went to see a friend's band play at a local brewery and restaurant. We chose to eat dinner at the venue, giving us some time to chat, relax, and be kid free for a short time. It was really nice, and I freely allowed us to spend some money, order a few drinks, and not freak out when the bill came. We didn't blow the farm or anything, but, normally I would have walked in with limited cash and been very picky about what I ordered. I let go and just enjoyed myself. Anyway, we only saw the first set before we decided to head home. My husband seems to be coming down with the sore throat thing is that caught me earlier this week, and we are going to see friends for tonight's Super Bowl. We knew a late night last night would mean misery today. A brief review, if you could call it that, of last night's band - wow! They are high energy, rhythmically exciting, and put on a great show. I really wish we could have stayed for the whole thing, and next time we see them we'll definitely plan accordingly. Aside from a few small things (turn that girl's mike up!), they satisfy their crowd, and you could see the loyalty of their followers in the audience.
I digress.
I brought my Healthy Selfishness and my booklet on ADHD with me today. This was my first me time since the official diagnosis of ADD on Thursday. I knew that today I wanted to prioritize the issues I want to deal with, as my new friend and I discussed Thursday. I have the assessment, and I read it over a couple of times. I found it very difficult to see the words on the paper and make much sense of them. I am to choose three categories from the assessment, and rank them in order of my desire to work on them. Things like 'easily distracted', 'can't get organized', 'no follow through', are the categories on the assessment. I am to choose these three, and rank them with respect to which I want to tackle and improve now, then which one(s) to work on for the near future, and lastly the one(s) to work on improving for the road ahead. It's not as easy as you might think, especially when your brain is going a million miles a minute in a zillion directions, and you aren't really absorbing the information as you read it.
I did my best, though. I tried to focus on my reading, and not on the insanely fun people watching that is offered bountifully in the restaurant. I plugged along, and I think I did pretty well. I ranked my top 3 categories on the assessment, and ranked three categories for now, three for soon, and three for down the road. For the now, I wish to work on a) being on the go, b) can't organize, and c) difficulty following through. I struggle with these and then argue with myself in my mind over them. I am a Virgo, Type A personality, and my father and his side of the family are probably some of the most anal, organized, and busy people I know. Everything has a place, everything goes in that place, and that's all there is to it. I believe and appreciate this train of thought, but putting it into practice causes me great anxiety. I *am* organized, but, allow disorganization to occur. Once things are out of order or disorganized, I stumble and struggle to gain control again. For instance, I put the mail on the kitchen counter when I bring it in. I put the kids' school papers there, too. I leave my sunglasses there so I don't forget to take them when I got out. So the kitchen counter quickly fills up, faster than I even realize. Once all that stuff is on there, I fight in my head about where to put it and what to do with it. I sort it on the counter making neat piles (none too high), leaving it all at one end of the counter so it's easily seen. When I am able to make it appear neater, my whole house feels more put together. Then I go into my bedroom and see that I haven't put away my laundry, and the feeling of anxiety over the disorganization starts all over again. Going from room to room, I can feel my anxiety levels change as I visualize all the things that need to be done. Still, I am unable to do anything about it because just thinking about what needs to be done in a single room is work in itself. I go to put a bill on the computer desk and see that there is a huge stack of papers, but I was only dropping the bill on the desk on my way to put a toy in Ethel's room, so if I stop to sort the papers and straighten out the desk, now I have forgotten about putting the toy in Ethel's room, then Ethel asks about the toy, so I abandon the pile of papers......I think you get the idea.
Maybe this happens to other people, I don't know. This is my normal, though. This is how everything in my life is for me. Should I sit down on the bed? If I do, I have to move that pillow sham, and when I get to the linen closet I notice we're almost out of shampoo, so I go to the kitchen where my grocery list is and I add shampoo to the list, then I check the fridge to see if there's something else we need while I'm making the list....in the end, I choose not to sit on the bed. Just the thought of what it takes to sit there is overwhelming. Most people would either move the sham and sit, or put it in the closet and return to be seated. Perhaps this allows you to see why I am rejoicing in knowing that there is something behind my madness, or perceived madness. I am not using it as an excuse for why I'm not doing things or why my house is always cluttered in my eyes, but, I now know that I'm not just simply neurotic. I'm not a slacker, and I'm not inherently disorganized. Quite the opposite. I'm just so acutely aware of everything in my surroundings that it swallows me and renders me seemingly helpless.
Back to my me time. {see, even writing things out I jump all over the place! LOL} I prioritized my action items from the assessment. I feel pretty good about how I ranked the items, and look forward to the plan of action that I hope my new friend and I will draw up this coming Wednesday, the next time we meet. After ranking my items, I returned to my book. I am reading Healthy Selfishness with a whole new perspective.
I'm at the point in the book where I've identified that I am a Level 3 Self-Denier, suppressing my own needs, wants, and feelings. I am now reading the strategies for successfully implementing the changes in my life which I need to make in order to halt the negativity that swirls around in my mind with respect to myself. In turn, this will help me nurture and heal my relationships in all aspects of my life (well, most, the book isn't claiming to change *everything*). I didn't get very far in reading this morning because I was having difficulty concentrating on it. The assessment is brief and a little easier to absorb, while the book is more in-depth and needs more of my focus.
Here's where another issue comes to the forefront for me. I also have Tinnitus. My tinnitus presents as a high pitched ring in both ears. Everyone with Tinnitus would probably describe their presentation in a different manner, but for me the only words I can come up with are 'high pitched ring'. I have had it for as long as I can remember, so I don't believe that my Walkman or attendance at concerts were the cause, although I can say that they didn't help matters. Having gone out to see the band last night has brought the Tinnitus out of the gates. Often I don't notice it unless I stop and think about it, but, I know it's there all the time. Today, it's there whether I think about it or not. This makes it tough for me to block out background noise and keep my focus, because once the background noise is not my focus, the ringing takes center stage. Most people get that ringing in their ears the day after a concert, but it goes away. Mine never goes away.
I feel good about what I accomplished this morning. I cut my time short, though, because my husband isn't feeling great, and I wasn't focusing like I wanted to. Once I let myself admit that it was OK to go, I gathered my book, booklet, and my coffee and headed for home. On the way I stopped at the store for a couple ingredients for the dip I'm bringing to our friend's place tonight. I walked in the door at home to the most awesome sounds. Everyone was in the basement, and the kids were cheering Daddy on as he played a video game. Ethel and Fred yelled to me to come join them and see Daddy racing his cars. So I did. I joined my family, with no anxiety about it, no trepidation, no expectations. I sat with my kids and watched their Daddy play a video game, and we laughed and cheered together.
There's nothing like cheering on Daddy with the kids.
So today I am tired because my husband and I got out of the house last night. We went to see a friend's band play at a local brewery and restaurant. We chose to eat dinner at the venue, giving us some time to chat, relax, and be kid free for a short time. It was really nice, and I freely allowed us to spend some money, order a few drinks, and not freak out when the bill came. We didn't blow the farm or anything, but, normally I would have walked in with limited cash and been very picky about what I ordered. I let go and just enjoyed myself. Anyway, we only saw the first set before we decided to head home. My husband seems to be coming down with the sore throat thing is that caught me earlier this week, and we are going to see friends for tonight's Super Bowl. We knew a late night last night would mean misery today. A brief review, if you could call it that, of last night's band - wow! They are high energy, rhythmically exciting, and put on a great show. I really wish we could have stayed for the whole thing, and next time we see them we'll definitely plan accordingly. Aside from a few small things (turn that girl's mike up!), they satisfy their crowd, and you could see the loyalty of their followers in the audience.
I digress.
I brought my Healthy Selfishness and my booklet on ADHD with me today. This was my first me time since the official diagnosis of ADD on Thursday. I knew that today I wanted to prioritize the issues I want to deal with, as my new friend and I discussed Thursday. I have the assessment, and I read it over a couple of times. I found it very difficult to see the words on the paper and make much sense of them. I am to choose three categories from the assessment, and rank them in order of my desire to work on them. Things like 'easily distracted', 'can't get organized', 'no follow through', are the categories on the assessment. I am to choose these three, and rank them with respect to which I want to tackle and improve now, then which one(s) to work on for the near future, and lastly the one(s) to work on improving for the road ahead. It's not as easy as you might think, especially when your brain is going a million miles a minute in a zillion directions, and you aren't really absorbing the information as you read it.
I did my best, though. I tried to focus on my reading, and not on the insanely fun people watching that is offered bountifully in the restaurant. I plugged along, and I think I did pretty well. I ranked my top 3 categories on the assessment, and ranked three categories for now, three for soon, and three for down the road. For the now, I wish to work on a) being on the go, b) can't organize, and c) difficulty following through. I struggle with these and then argue with myself in my mind over them. I am a Virgo, Type A personality, and my father and his side of the family are probably some of the most anal, organized, and busy people I know. Everything has a place, everything goes in that place, and that's all there is to it. I believe and appreciate this train of thought, but putting it into practice causes me great anxiety. I *am* organized, but, allow disorganization to occur. Once things are out of order or disorganized, I stumble and struggle to gain control again. For instance, I put the mail on the kitchen counter when I bring it in. I put the kids' school papers there, too. I leave my sunglasses there so I don't forget to take them when I got out. So the kitchen counter quickly fills up, faster than I even realize. Once all that stuff is on there, I fight in my head about where to put it and what to do with it. I sort it on the counter making neat piles (none too high), leaving it all at one end of the counter so it's easily seen. When I am able to make it appear neater, my whole house feels more put together. Then I go into my bedroom and see that I haven't put away my laundry, and the feeling of anxiety over the disorganization starts all over again. Going from room to room, I can feel my anxiety levels change as I visualize all the things that need to be done. Still, I am unable to do anything about it because just thinking about what needs to be done in a single room is work in itself. I go to put a bill on the computer desk and see that there is a huge stack of papers, but I was only dropping the bill on the desk on my way to put a toy in Ethel's room, so if I stop to sort the papers and straighten out the desk, now I have forgotten about putting the toy in Ethel's room, then Ethel asks about the toy, so I abandon the pile of papers......I think you get the idea.
Maybe this happens to other people, I don't know. This is my normal, though. This is how everything in my life is for me. Should I sit down on the bed? If I do, I have to move that pillow sham, and when I get to the linen closet I notice we're almost out of shampoo, so I go to the kitchen where my grocery list is and I add shampoo to the list, then I check the fridge to see if there's something else we need while I'm making the list....in the end, I choose not to sit on the bed. Just the thought of what it takes to sit there is overwhelming. Most people would either move the sham and sit, or put it in the closet and return to be seated. Perhaps this allows you to see why I am rejoicing in knowing that there is something behind my madness, or perceived madness. I am not using it as an excuse for why I'm not doing things or why my house is always cluttered in my eyes, but, I now know that I'm not just simply neurotic. I'm not a slacker, and I'm not inherently disorganized. Quite the opposite. I'm just so acutely aware of everything in my surroundings that it swallows me and renders me seemingly helpless.
Back to my me time. {see, even writing things out I jump all over the place! LOL} I prioritized my action items from the assessment. I feel pretty good about how I ranked the items, and look forward to the plan of action that I hope my new friend and I will draw up this coming Wednesday, the next time we meet. After ranking my items, I returned to my book. I am reading Healthy Selfishness with a whole new perspective.
I'm at the point in the book where I've identified that I am a Level 3 Self-Denier, suppressing my own needs, wants, and feelings. I am now reading the strategies for successfully implementing the changes in my life which I need to make in order to halt the negativity that swirls around in my mind with respect to myself. In turn, this will help me nurture and heal my relationships in all aspects of my life (well, most, the book isn't claiming to change *everything*). I didn't get very far in reading this morning because I was having difficulty concentrating on it. The assessment is brief and a little easier to absorb, while the book is more in-depth and needs more of my focus.
Here's where another issue comes to the forefront for me. I also have Tinnitus. My tinnitus presents as a high pitched ring in both ears. Everyone with Tinnitus would probably describe their presentation in a different manner, but for me the only words I can come up with are 'high pitched ring'. I have had it for as long as I can remember, so I don't believe that my Walkman or attendance at concerts were the cause, although I can say that they didn't help matters. Having gone out to see the band last night has brought the Tinnitus out of the gates. Often I don't notice it unless I stop and think about it, but, I know it's there all the time. Today, it's there whether I think about it or not. This makes it tough for me to block out background noise and keep my focus, because once the background noise is not my focus, the ringing takes center stage. Most people get that ringing in their ears the day after a concert, but it goes away. Mine never goes away.
I feel good about what I accomplished this morning. I cut my time short, though, because my husband isn't feeling great, and I wasn't focusing like I wanted to. Once I let myself admit that it was OK to go, I gathered my book, booklet, and my coffee and headed for home. On the way I stopped at the store for a couple ingredients for the dip I'm bringing to our friend's place tonight. I walked in the door at home to the most awesome sounds. Everyone was in the basement, and the kids were cheering Daddy on as he played a video game. Ethel and Fred yelled to me to come join them and see Daddy racing his cars. So I did. I joined my family, with no anxiety about it, no trepidation, no expectations. I sat with my kids and watched their Daddy play a video game, and we laughed and cheered together.
There's nothing like cheering on Daddy with the kids.
04 February, 2010
It's official
Today I got the official diagnosis, I definitely have ADD. What a relief.
I really enjoy talking with my new friend for many reasons. She's easy going, but, straight forward. She's factual without going over my head. She's genuinely concerned, and understands. She's not judgemental. She is there to help me. Conversely, I'm ready for the help.
My head has filled with memories of the past over the last couple of days since we first talked about ADD. So many things started to make sense, so many judgements I've made of myself have been proven false, and many others proven true. I actually realized yesterday that I have some awesome strengths. That was probably the first time that I've had such a thought. All these things about myself which are related to the ADD, I usually thought were negatives. Now I realize that they are not bad things, and they can be used to my advantage!
We did an assessment today, to confirm and officially diagnose the ADD. After rating a series of questions from zero to three (zero = the absence of; three = extreme presence of), there was no doubt that my new friend had hit the nail on the head. It was very interesting listening to the questions, and realizing that all these things about me were for a real reason. I'm not just stubborn, impatient, and judgemental of others. I'm actually moving so quickly that I get frustrated easily when others aren't moving at the same speed. And, that speed is quicker than most others around me. Sometimes, even I can't keep up.
What keeps coming to mind for me is my kids. I need to be able to slow down enough that I will be able to recognize the symptoms in my kids. I want to be able to parent them the way they deserve to be parented, rather than be the nagging, expecting-too-much kind of mom for whom nothing is good enough. I want to be able to slow down long enough to enjoy activities with my kids, and enjoy their enjoyment. I want to be able to listen to them without them feeling like I'm not really there. I want them to grow up able to cope with school, friends, and life in general. I don't want them to have to feel that they don't measure up, and try to over compensate in other ways.
I want my daughter to feel pretty. I want my son to feel handsome. I want both my kids to feel valued, wanted, and able. I don't want to get in their way just because I can't wrap my head around getting through the day.
I feel empowered as a mom because I now have the awareness, the tools, and the knowledge to watch my kids, and offer them guidance. I can take steps to help them if they need it, but also to let them flourish in their own ways without making them feel that their own way is the wrong way, or isn't good enough. By healing myself, I can be a better mom.
My new friend and I talked today about my relationship with money. We identified and agreed that the relationship isn't truly about money. There's something else there. There's something behind the self-deprivation, the self-denial, the negative feelings that come to the surface with money. All the money in the world won't change the feelings that exist, and that's the core I need to reach for and explore. What makes me so resistant to doing for me? It's more than the usual "mom puts herself last", which is common among mothers. I don't want to show my children that I don't value myself, and that I am not worth being valued by them. I want my kids to see their mommy as someone to look up to, to respect, and who is worthy. I don't want to be the Mommy who did without and became bitter and couldn't be a happy person. I certainly don't want my children to become any of those things. So, it's time to break that pattern in myself, and find the real me.
I have now left the computer at least four times. Twice to go to the kitchen and come back empty handed, twice to go into my daughter's room to intervene as she made mess after mess, rather than cleaning up one thing before moving on to another (per the rule in the house). Now I understand why some of the questions on the ADD assessment were about whether I tend to interrupt people when they're talking, or enter conversations I'm not initially included in. Blush, blush..... :)
So, I have to figure out why I deny myself. Why do I neglect me? What is it from my past that caused me to develop this way of thinking? Then, how do I correct it? I am anxious to get to the root of that so that I can finally treat me, and in turn, be more giving in the right ways to my family.
The journey has only just begun, so I'd better get my seat belt on and buckle up for the ride.
I really enjoy talking with my new friend for many reasons. She's easy going, but, straight forward. She's factual without going over my head. She's genuinely concerned, and understands. She's not judgemental. She is there to help me. Conversely, I'm ready for the help.
My head has filled with memories of the past over the last couple of days since we first talked about ADD. So many things started to make sense, so many judgements I've made of myself have been proven false, and many others proven true. I actually realized yesterday that I have some awesome strengths. That was probably the first time that I've had such a thought. All these things about myself which are related to the ADD, I usually thought were negatives. Now I realize that they are not bad things, and they can be used to my advantage!
We did an assessment today, to confirm and officially diagnose the ADD. After rating a series of questions from zero to three (zero = the absence of; three = extreme presence of), there was no doubt that my new friend had hit the nail on the head. It was very interesting listening to the questions, and realizing that all these things about me were for a real reason. I'm not just stubborn, impatient, and judgemental of others. I'm actually moving so quickly that I get frustrated easily when others aren't moving at the same speed. And, that speed is quicker than most others around me. Sometimes, even I can't keep up.
What keeps coming to mind for me is my kids. I need to be able to slow down enough that I will be able to recognize the symptoms in my kids. I want to be able to parent them the way they deserve to be parented, rather than be the nagging, expecting-too-much kind of mom for whom nothing is good enough. I want to be able to slow down long enough to enjoy activities with my kids, and enjoy their enjoyment. I want to be able to listen to them without them feeling like I'm not really there. I want them to grow up able to cope with school, friends, and life in general. I don't want them to have to feel that they don't measure up, and try to over compensate in other ways.
I want my daughter to feel pretty. I want my son to feel handsome. I want both my kids to feel valued, wanted, and able. I don't want to get in their way just because I can't wrap my head around getting through the day.
I feel empowered as a mom because I now have the awareness, the tools, and the knowledge to watch my kids, and offer them guidance. I can take steps to help them if they need it, but also to let them flourish in their own ways without making them feel that their own way is the wrong way, or isn't good enough. By healing myself, I can be a better mom.
My new friend and I talked today about my relationship with money. We identified and agreed that the relationship isn't truly about money. There's something else there. There's something behind the self-deprivation, the self-denial, the negative feelings that come to the surface with money. All the money in the world won't change the feelings that exist, and that's the core I need to reach for and explore. What makes me so resistant to doing for me? It's more than the usual "mom puts herself last", which is common among mothers. I don't want to show my children that I don't value myself, and that I am not worth being valued by them. I want my kids to see their mommy as someone to look up to, to respect, and who is worthy. I don't want to be the Mommy who did without and became bitter and couldn't be a happy person. I certainly don't want my children to become any of those things. So, it's time to break that pattern in myself, and find the real me.
I have now left the computer at least four times. Twice to go to the kitchen and come back empty handed, twice to go into my daughter's room to intervene as she made mess after mess, rather than cleaning up one thing before moving on to another (per the rule in the house). Now I understand why some of the questions on the ADD assessment were about whether I tend to interrupt people when they're talking, or enter conversations I'm not initially included in. Blush, blush..... :)
So, I have to figure out why I deny myself. Why do I neglect me? What is it from my past that caused me to develop this way of thinking? Then, how do I correct it? I am anxious to get to the root of that so that I can finally treat me, and in turn, be more giving in the right ways to my family.
The journey has only just begun, so I'd better get my seat belt on and buckle up for the ride.
02 February, 2010
Three little letters....
...which aren't very little. They've actually put my life into perspective. They've changed the way I think about myself. They've made me feel pretty normal, and more accepting of the way I am.
Attention Deficit Disorder
OK, so what's the big deal about those three letters? They have explained much of who I am today. The struggles I've faced with so many things in my life are explained by ADD. My new friend and I were talking more today, and she told me that she feels that I have ADD. I cried tears of joy after hearing her say that.
Nobody has ever been able to tangibly explain why I find myself unable to do things like send a letter, make plans in the near future, or comprehend something I've read. In my youth, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities, primarily in math. All the social workers, learning disability assistance, and tutoring didn't help me understand what I was being taught in school, or why it was so hard for me and not other kids.
There are just so many pieces that have come together to complete the puzzle in my life, I just don't know how to put it into words.
As I sit here, I have so many thoughts spinning in my head, I can't stop them long enough to catch one and put it into words on this screen. They aren't able to get from my brain to my fingertips. I'll just try to brain dump.
I am clausterphobic, but I love crowds.
I love sports and can follow a game, but, can't remember what happened in the last period/half/quarter/inning.
If given $10, I can't spend it because I can't settle on what to spend it on.
I am super productive when my plate is full (even overflowing), but find it hard to complete one task when I have the time to do something uninterrupted.
I get bored easily.
I get frustrated when people move slowly, or not at my pace when we do something together.
I have over 350 friends on FB, and I have no idea how that number got so large.
I get overwhelmed quickly.
I start many things, finish few of them.
I thrive on structure, but, am sometimes lax within that structure.
I channel surf (quickly) on the radio in my car, and can tell you what each song is as I pass it up.
Oh, there are so many more.
I have been frustrated with myself for years, always thinking that I was just neurotic, crazy, or otherwise somehow deficient in some necessary skill that I should have. Should I have it? Why should I? Because there's no reason I shouldn't have that skill. Well, now there is a reason.
I probably have the skill, but putting it into practice is another thing altogether. I can multitask 'til the cows come home, and people ask me how I do it. I ask, in my mind, how they are unable to do it.
As I sat in my new friend's office today, I could physically feel the difference in my chest as it relaxed, as it released, and as I accepted the words my new friend was speaking. Seriously.
I would never allow myself to put a label on something about myself. There are people in the world with real problems, real illnesses, but not me. My new friend wholeheartedly disagreed. She said there is something in me that exists, and is effecting my life, and can be treated. Wow, there is an answer. Someone else sees something about me and gave it a name. I am not ashamed, I am not upset, there is nothing to be ashamed or upset about.
I now have a name for what is behind my coping skills, habits, and other means of managing my life. There is a way to help me with the difficulties I face each day because of those things. And now that I have a name for it, I realize that this is a daily struggle. Planning, scheduling, making lists, and having to follow the plans, schedules and lists. I'm highly annoyed when something strays from those. It's a miserable feeling when I can't keep up. Of course, the pace is nearly impossible to keep up with, so it's a stage set for failure. As a result, I compensate by adding another plan, schedule or list. And so it goes.
I really feel redeemed. I don't have to live this way any more. I can work on ways to get past the disappointment, frustration, and depression I've been living with.
What makes me happiest is that I can work on my own behaviour, and emulate the right behaviours for my children, and try to lay some good groundwork for them so they don't learn the wrong ones from me. My biggest fear has been that one or both of my children would "turn out like me". That is to say that they would self-deny, feel badly about themselves, or otherwise have the same frustrations and difficulties that I have because of something like ADD going undiagnosed. Of course I can't prevent that altogether, I know this. I can't make them perfect or free of difficulty in their lives. What I can do is be a healthy mother, so they have a better chance of growing up healthy.
There is a genetic component here. I am not alone. I come from a nice long line of folks with the same personality streak. This didn't just happen to me overnight, in the last few years, or since I got married and had kids. It is, however, something that I can live with, treat, and manage. And, I can be happy.
After having my Barbara Walters "I said I wasn't going to cry" moment in my new friend's office, I really felt as if so many questions had been answered, and they were questions I had never even asked. People talk about "breakthroughs" or having "that moment", and I honestly never understood what they meant. Now I do, because I just had one today. I had my breakthrough, I had that moment. And it was so cool.
I have ADD. There, now I said it.
Attention Deficit Disorder
OK, so what's the big deal about those three letters? They have explained much of who I am today. The struggles I've faced with so many things in my life are explained by ADD. My new friend and I were talking more today, and she told me that she feels that I have ADD. I cried tears of joy after hearing her say that.
Nobody has ever been able to tangibly explain why I find myself unable to do things like send a letter, make plans in the near future, or comprehend something I've read. In my youth, I was diagnosed with learning disabilities, primarily in math. All the social workers, learning disability assistance, and tutoring didn't help me understand what I was being taught in school, or why it was so hard for me and not other kids.
There are just so many pieces that have come together to complete the puzzle in my life, I just don't know how to put it into words.
As I sit here, I have so many thoughts spinning in my head, I can't stop them long enough to catch one and put it into words on this screen. They aren't able to get from my brain to my fingertips. I'll just try to brain dump.
I am clausterphobic, but I love crowds.
I love sports and can follow a game, but, can't remember what happened in the last period/half/quarter/inning.
If given $10, I can't spend it because I can't settle on what to spend it on.
I am super productive when my plate is full (even overflowing), but find it hard to complete one task when I have the time to do something uninterrupted.
I get bored easily.
I get frustrated when people move slowly, or not at my pace when we do something together.
I have over 350 friends on FB, and I have no idea how that number got so large.
I get overwhelmed quickly.
I start many things, finish few of them.
I thrive on structure, but, am sometimes lax within that structure.
I channel surf (quickly) on the radio in my car, and can tell you what each song is as I pass it up.
Oh, there are so many more.
I have been frustrated with myself for years, always thinking that I was just neurotic, crazy, or otherwise somehow deficient in some necessary skill that I should have. Should I have it? Why should I? Because there's no reason I shouldn't have that skill. Well, now there is a reason.
I probably have the skill, but putting it into practice is another thing altogether. I can multitask 'til the cows come home, and people ask me how I do it. I ask, in my mind, how they are unable to do it.
As I sat in my new friend's office today, I could physically feel the difference in my chest as it relaxed, as it released, and as I accepted the words my new friend was speaking. Seriously.
I would never allow myself to put a label on something about myself. There are people in the world with real problems, real illnesses, but not me. My new friend wholeheartedly disagreed. She said there is something in me that exists, and is effecting my life, and can be treated. Wow, there is an answer. Someone else sees something about me and gave it a name. I am not ashamed, I am not upset, there is nothing to be ashamed or upset about.
I now have a name for what is behind my coping skills, habits, and other means of managing my life. There is a way to help me with the difficulties I face each day because of those things. And now that I have a name for it, I realize that this is a daily struggle. Planning, scheduling, making lists, and having to follow the plans, schedules and lists. I'm highly annoyed when something strays from those. It's a miserable feeling when I can't keep up. Of course, the pace is nearly impossible to keep up with, so it's a stage set for failure. As a result, I compensate by adding another plan, schedule or list. And so it goes.
I really feel redeemed. I don't have to live this way any more. I can work on ways to get past the disappointment, frustration, and depression I've been living with.
What makes me happiest is that I can work on my own behaviour, and emulate the right behaviours for my children, and try to lay some good groundwork for them so they don't learn the wrong ones from me. My biggest fear has been that one or both of my children would "turn out like me". That is to say that they would self-deny, feel badly about themselves, or otherwise have the same frustrations and difficulties that I have because of something like ADD going undiagnosed. Of course I can't prevent that altogether, I know this. I can't make them perfect or free of difficulty in their lives. What I can do is be a healthy mother, so they have a better chance of growing up healthy.
There is a genetic component here. I am not alone. I come from a nice long line of folks with the same personality streak. This didn't just happen to me overnight, in the last few years, or since I got married and had kids. It is, however, something that I can live with, treat, and manage. And, I can be happy.
After having my Barbara Walters "I said I wasn't going to cry" moment in my new friend's office, I really felt as if so many questions had been answered, and they were questions I had never even asked. People talk about "breakthroughs" or having "that moment", and I honestly never understood what they meant. Now I do, because I just had one today. I had my breakthrough, I had that moment. And it was so cool.
I have ADD. There, now I said it.
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