The identity of MOM

A friend of mine was sharing her feelings on becoming a mom of a school age kid, as her oldest begins kindergarten this week.  I think we all go through a myriad of emotions as our children reach different milestones, but for some reason the start of kindergarten seems to hit most of us the hardest.  Whether we work outside the home or at home (let's face it, every mom WORKS), seeing our little ones enter the realm of school is a tough pill to swallow. 

Our little babies are swallowed by backpacks (well mine is, she's tiny), meeting new kids, they have a new teacher, they're exposed to all kinds of new things.  Will they make friends?  Will they find the bathroom?  Will they ask questions if they need help?  Will they be able to open their lunch box?  Will they know where to go when they get off the bus, and where to go to get back on at the end of the day? 

Unlike the comfort of the day care, where we walk them to a room, give them hugs and kisses and leave them with a teacher who will give them a hug or rest them in their lap, now we're shoving them out of the car (minivan, perhaps?) at the sidewalk hoping they get to their classroom.  It's almost like airport security for some of us.  You can only go so far before you hit the "no parents zone", defined by an imaginary line, and the kids are effectively on their own.  That's if you're lucky enough that your kid will let you go as far as the imaginary line, and they're not already embarassed to be getting dropped off by their parents and getting a hug and kiss in front of the whole school.  I'm sorry, I digress.

Oh, there are so many worries we have as parents as we send our kids off to school.  My day is coming tomorrow, and I am only hoping I can sleep tonight.  And that I remember to pack her lunch.  But that's another story altogether.

On the flip side of the coin, for me (and many moms) this means that I'm an adult.  I'm one of those people they call 'parents'.  What the hell?  When did that happen?  Seriously?  Only adults do that.  I'm not an adult.  Wait, what?  That's *my* kid going to school?  Come on, you're nuts.  I'm.......wait.....um.....sigh.....

I almost can't finish the sentence.  I'm an adult.  OK, so my first sign might have come when I signed my first apartment lease, or when I started my first job, surpassed 10 years at my second job, or even when I bought my first place.  But.it.didn't.  I have been in denial for many years now.  Reality is slowly coming at me from behind, striking me in the back of the head as if to say, "Hey, Lady!".  And we all know what it means when they start to call you Lady.  Craptastic.

I pull up to a softball game (intercompany beer league) with two huge car seats in my back seat and remember when I used to pull up with beer in the back seat. I look around at all the 20-somethings going out for happy hour after work like I used to, and I'm going to pick up the kids. I see all the skinny girls walking around in cute clothes, and can't remember the last time I bought anything tighter than a garbage bag, let alone the last time I bought something for myself at all.


But then I get home. Home is my world. My family and kids are the focus at home. Nothing else matters. I don't have the same crisis when I'm at home. It's when I'm out, usually without them, that I feel like I'm not the same me that I was 10 years ago. And I went through the Chuck Taylors yesterday when I was at Target, remembering my first pair back in college, hoping that I might get myself another pair really soon. I also recently donated my beloved Doc Marten Mary Janes. And last night at Meijer, when I took Ethel to the "back to school" section, I felt like I should run for the hills. I seriously felt conflicted.

I feel like a huge dork so often, and can't believe that I have become who/what I am right now. I'm conformist in ways I never imagined I could ever be. I work in an office, a corporate office. I own a home, a Saturn, and live in the 'burbs. It doesn't get much worse than that.

But it doesn't get much better, either. I'm really hoping that I can resolve my identity conflict soon because I often feel like I spend more time on that than I do enjoying where I am today, and thriving as the mom my kids should have, and the wife my husband married. Still, I have to say, I wouldn't trade where I'm at today for anything.
 
I think that after dropping my daughter off at school tomorrow, I'll return home and put in my best cassette copy of Upstairs at Eric's {note to self - find cassette player} and dance with Fred.  While I cry.  Then I'll drink more coffee.
 
Updates to follow.

Life on the edge of the mattress

Before you go thinking that this post is something family unfriendly, I tell you now it's not.  I'm not discussing casting couches or date nights, I'm actually talking about slumber, snoozing, getting some zzz's.  Or not getting them.

Humans have spent their entire existence perfecting the art of sleep.  We've developed a myriad of tools to aid us in finding that perfect night's sleep, some of which are fleeting fads, some of which are simply part of the mainstream.  Probably the most common, non-medicinal, tool for sleep is the bed.  Usually a box spring and mattress atop a frame, beds come in different sizes to accommodate the user(s).  Regardless, the bed is supposed to help us get comfortable and keep us contained so that we can enjoy a restful night in peaceful slumber.


Once the right bed has been chosen, we have to figure out whether we should sleep on our back, on our side, on our tummy, the possibilities are endless.  As are the possible outcomes, since many of us move around in our sleep.  If you have a spouse or partner, you then have to decide whether you should be all this generation and sleep in the same bed, or go the Rob and Laura Petrie route and have your own beds.  Once children arrive, parents are faced with whether to drag themselves out of bed to tend to their newborns, or sleep their babies in their rooms or beds with them.

This brings me to the idea of the family bed.  We don't subscribe to this sleeping arrangement, but some families do.  I am much too selfish to share my bed, except with my husband.  Sometimes, even that's a bit much for me.  That's just how it is.  Interestingly, humans are the only species on Earth who don't sleep with their young.  It's true!  Many, like myself, put their babies in another room to sleep, and some sleep them in the same room but in a separate sleeping station such as a crib or other suitable baby sleeper.  Each has its pros and cons based on the needs and wants of the family.  I need, and want, a good night sleep, and prefer not to have sniffly, snoring, sleeping sideways little creatures in my bed with me.  Well, except my husband.

Back to the point.  So, I have come to conclude that families who subscribe to the family bed have developed their own unique tools to help them get that perfect night sleep.  I firmly believe that they must have a good chiropractor, and great meds.  Meds to drug everyone to sleep, and the chiropractor to realign them after being kicked, shoved, contorted, and otherwise mangled during the night while everyone rolls, thrashes, and moves around the bed during the night.

Now, I have a king sized bed.  I have a husband.  I have two small children.  Periodically, they (the children) will be scared by a thunder storm, a noise in their room, or they'll have a bad dream and want to come snuggle with Mommy.  Yes, Mommy, not Daddy.  Other times, they're not feeling well and they wake often in the night and they need comfort to return to sleep. Last night, we experienced all of the above.

Fred was feeling a little under the weather.  He's had a slightly runny nose for a couple of days, but nothing more than a cold.  Last night, after a full weekend of playing inside and outside, and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes, he was tuckered out long before he went to bed.  He fell asleep as soon as his (not so) little head hit the pillow.  Mommy's only worry last night was that he might get another nose bleed.  Silly Mommy.

Ethel was the epitome of exhausted.  There is no word strong enough to explain how tired she was yesterday.  She doesn't nap any longer so her fatigue level builds up until she simply collapses.  Long story short, we're still waiting for the collapse (an afternoon nap one day).  She, too, fell asleep in just about the blink of an eye last night.

I, myself, had to hit the sack early last night after a day of swimming lessons, picking up around the house, and doing some shopping for necessities around the house.  It wasn't a terribly busy day, but, for a Saturday, we had a lot to do.  Regardless, I fell asleep and didn't hear the three times Fred was up before 11PM.  At that hour, I went into his room to find Daddy rocking him as he cried looking for Mommy.  Poor thing was warm, probably still asleep, and making no sense.  I knew in an instant that we (I) would get little sleep if this continued, so I opted to bring him into our bed.  Seriously, I had not had a single drink and yet I still chose to sleep with this child.

Have you ever slept with a hurricane?  With the spin cycle on the washing machine?  With a boxer?  No?  Well, you're missing a night with Fred {sorry to his future significant other(s), but, here's some foreshadowing to think about}.

He's never been one that's easy to sleep with.  He'll smack you in the face before you can enjoy his gentle breath on your face as he rolls over toward you.  He'll swing his leg into your belly while you saw logs.  He'll breathe on you, snore in your face, and wrap his arm around your neck before you realize he's even close enough to you to make contact.  It's a real treat.  Last night he added a shout out to the neighbor's dog, including a request to go pet that dog.  At 3AM.  At 3AM I heard, "I want to go see, Cody"; "Is Cody awake?"; "Can we go pet Cody?".  I wouldn't joke about something like this.  I wouldn't.  Really.

The talking wasn't really what got to me.  Fred is a large child, and is not easy to move, let alone when he's asleep.  He's not that cute, tiny, sleeping infant in the picture at the top of the page.  He's 37 lbs of dead weight.  Seriously.

So, somewhere about 2AM was when Ethel decided she was scared in her room and that she needed to charge to my side of the bed and whine, whimper, whatever that was at that hour, to get into bed next to me.  Well, honey, SURPRISE, your little brother is already in here!  Woo hoo, par-tay!  Not.

Got her settled, rolled over, and realized, that was the edge of the bed I was staring at.  No, really.  I'd seen it several times already, but now I was a little more awake, and it was a little (a lot) more real.  Craptastic.  I had already given up my body pillow, and now was having to deal with sleeping at the edge of my KING SIZE BED!  These two kids are a collective 68 lbs, it's not like I couldn't take 'em, but, when they're sleeping and snoring and their little noses flare in and out, and you hear that little "sigh" after they roll over every once in a while, you realize that it's best to let sleeping does lie.  It really is.

So, figuring I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, I gazed out the windows at what few stars I could see and before I knew it, it was 20 minutes later.  Fred stirred, and I took advantage of that moment to slide him a little farther toward Daddy's side of the bed.  That's when I heard, "Why do you keep moving me?".  Who has a good answer to anything at around 2AM?  I didn't think so.

It took most of the night to find a comfortable spot, between Fred's arm swinging over into my face when he rolled onto his back, and Ethel's bad dreams causing whining and rolling over and reaching for Mommy.  At one point, I thought it might be best, if I had a Leatherman handy, (where are those when you need 'em?) to sever my arm at the then painful shoulder, because I wasn't sure the shoulder would ever work again with all the pain it was in from sleeping funny on it.  Funny, not ha, ha funny, mind you.

Then there's the story of my neck.  Fred's pillow boundaries are non-existent.  I can't blame him, he never has had to share a pillow, so he doesn't know that when you sleep next to someone else, they are then "sharing" the pillow with you.  Ethel is lacking the same understanding when she's sleeping.

Before I knew it, I had the top of both their heads head in my face.  Fred's from next to me where he was laying, and Ethel's from laying across the pillows when she fell asleep.  The rest of me was seemingly forced to the very outer edges of the bed.  I.kid.you.not.  I woke at one time and found myself with my body getting ready to fall out of the bed!  The KING sized bed!  What the hell is this about?

Despite my best efforts (pre-dawn, pre-coffee) to move Fred, and/or Ethel, thorughout the night proved fruitless against the wills of a five and three year old.  I have now learned my lesson.

Today, I somehow still managed a good run of just under 4 miles, a nice visit with the neighbors, and two kids who were much more rested than I.  I honestly have no idea how they can wake up in the morning well rested (or seemingly so) after a night of kicking, snoring, talking, and rolling over every three minutes.  Regardless, Fred rose from this sleeping dead and I popped out of bed with him, and I think he was very excited to be in Mommy's room, which is a total treat for both our kids when it comes to overnights.  :)

I only had one night sleeping at the edge of my mattress at the hands of my children.  I don't know how anyone does it night after night after night.

That's all for now.

Thumbs......up?

Fred's Trigger Thumb

Monday was the consultation with the orthopaedic surgeon for Fred's crooked "fumb".  I need to remind myself that appointments during what is usually nap time are really not the best idea, but, that's beside the point.

I got to day care to find Fred on his cot, coughing and looking like death warmed over. Slight fever, hadn't fallen asleep (it was about 2:30), and was generally miserable. His teacher explained that he was wearing borrowed pants b/c he'd peed out his diaper and soaked his shorts, shoes, and socks. So, he was also barefoot. Guess I hadn't stocked his cubbie with extra clothes, gotta get on that.


Anyway, by the time we got to the orthopaedic office, he had a full-blown fever and was fairly hot to the touch. After waiting for a month to get this appointment, I wasn't canceling 15 minutes before the appointment, so we went in. Barefoot, and in borrowed pants. In 90 degree weather. If I'd seen us coming, I'd have thought to myself, "white trash coming through!", but, luckily there were very few people in the waiting room (which is also very large), and he charmed the one lady that was even remotely near us with his million questions (which doesn't charm me at all).

The doctor was awesome, her name is Dr. K. Great bedside manner with Fred. She explained the thumb thing, and the fix is just about as simple as the tubes were for his ears. Out patient, takes about 10 minutes for the actual procedure, and he goes home with a bandage around the hand. They use dissolvable stitches, we'll get some exercises to do after the bandage is off, and that's it. He'll only miss one week of swimming lessons.


Surgery is scheduled for the 6th of July. The "best" part is that the surgery is in the afternoon, and he can't eat after midnight! Craptastic!! I can't wait.


So, we got home from the appointment and he was truly miserable and passed out on the recliner. He slept all of a few hours total that night (thus, so did I), because he was coughing.all.night. If you didn't know better, you'd have thought this was a TB clinic the way he sounded. Ugh.


So, he and I were both "Happy Campers" on Tuesday.  Mommy had lots of coffee. What a fun morning.  Then, Pissy Patty woke up (a.k.a. Ethel). I had no idea Linda Blair entered our home and inhabited my tiny daughter, but, she was in rare form, with all but a spinning head. Wow.

I felt badly for Fred on Tuesday because he really wasn't feeling well and was coughing up a storm. Lack of sleep robs me of my empathy, though.  I couldn't wait for bedtime on Tuesday night.  Fred, luckily, was back to day care on Wednesday and has been doing much better.

Morning Monkey

Makeshift "track" for the cars

Fred has started a pattern of early waking.  This does not sit well with Mommy, who really needs sleep to be an effective (read: nice, happy, good-mom-type) human during the day.  It's taken a few months, but, Fred has finally gotten the hang of waking and staying in his room without waking the birds.  Seriously, he was doing 4:30AM for a while, before the birds even!

So every once in a while I find him playing in his room for a while when he wakes up, and fortunately for all of us, sometimes I don't hear him right away.  He can turn on his light and get out trains and cars and books, and it keeps him busy for a long time.  This morning was no different.  I didn't hear him 'til after 6:30 this morning, which is like a world record.  I even had the chance to run out and get a coffee before he started to stir!  I felt like I'd slept all day by the time I heard him playing with his cars in his room.

And this is what I found.  My monkey in the morning.

It's wonderful when he doesn't want to get dressed and come down for breakfast so he can keep playing.

Morning Monkey

Confessions

I love Food Network.
I didn't get much sleep last night.
I'm relaxing and don't really feel too guilty about it.
I am leaving one week from today for Louisville.
I don't yet have a hat for the Oaks.
Lack of sleep caused me to be annoyed more by my kids than anything else today.
I feel badly about that.
I am drinking a beer.
I prefer wine.
I had too much to drink last Friday night.
I loved it.
I paid for it.
I need to drink more water.
I hope to get a shower tomorrow.
I am sick of Blago.
I have spring fever.
I need work clothes.
I could use the money to get them.
I want pets again.
I am dog sitting.
I drank a lot of coffee today.
My kids are beautiful.
I'm comfy.
I'm tired.
Tomorrow is Earth Day.
I have nothing planned.
Does having the kids pick weeds, I mean dandelions, count as an Earth Day activity?
I have a lot to do this weekend.
I need to go to bed.

That's all for now.

Me time, week 13

I'm getting lazy in reporting on my time spent on myself, aren't I?  Perhaps that's a sign that I'm healing from the inside and enjoying what life has brought my way.  OK, that was a deep stretch, but, I tried to make it sound good.

I'm trying to catch up on DVR'd shows (I actually typed the word "taped", but realized there's nothing taped about it any more), and realized I needed to post up.  I have to say that I don't understand why Kate is still on this show pretending to dance.  This chick needs to take her hair extensions and get a new reality job somewhere.  Ugh, she drives me crazy.

I digress.

Had a very nice Sunday, which was preceded by a fun, but, unproductive weekend.  Began Friday night by going out.  We have worked out a deal with another couple to swap babysitting with each other.  The key is that we don't pay each other!  Seriously, every parent should get in on a gig like this.  By switching off and helping each other out, we're each getting more time out than we would otherwise if we had to pay a sitter.  I am so insanely glad we are doing this!!

This was supposed to be an arrangement we'd take each other up on once every month of the year, and this was the first time either of us asked the other to watch our kids.  I broke the ice last week when we got invited to a friend's place.  Honestly, this is the best arrangement we could have made, and I'm sorry I waited 'til April to ask them to help!  They came over after work (Mommy L, Daddy L, L1, and L2) and we all played and talked together, while I showed Mommy L around the house and ran down the bed time routine.  Daddy and I left the house as Daddy L started the kids off on a game of Hide n Seek.  It was a great feeling knowing the kids were having a good time and a friend, mom, and familiar face was staying with the kids.  Daddy L took L1 and L2 home at bed time, and it was the perfect arrangement for all of us.

Until Saturday morning.  While it was nice to get out of the house for a while and not worry about dollar signs piling up at the stroke of every hour, there was no legit reason for us to stay out until 1AM!!!!  Holy hell!  The evening started out nicely with several coworkers, who also happen to be on the same intercompany softball team, all gathered together to enjoy good food, drink, and company.  The wine glasses were big, the appetizers were delicious, and we were all laughing together within minutes.  Did I mention that the wine glasses were big?  They were.  As one of the others said, the only quote from the night that I remember is, "I'd like another glass of wine".  Oh my. 

We started out with some game called Left, Right, Center, and moved on to Catch Phrase.  Well, not back to back, there was plenty of conversation, appetizer eating, and who knows what in between.  I say "who knows what" because I'm sure someone knows, but I am not that someone.  See, the wine glasses were really big.  Oh, I said that already.  Well, I filled mine at least three times.  I'll leave it at that.  There was a moment when one of us ended up being tossed over the back of a couch, WWE style, there were plenty of f-bombs dropping around the room, and the hockey game interrupted us every so often.  Not that I know any of that for fact.  And we didn't leave until 1AM.  1AM, I kid you not.

It was as if we didn't remember we had kids who would be waking before the birds demanding food and other nourishment and to be entertained.  Loudly.  Energetically.  Early.  Very early.  Like 6AM early.  Good Lord.

Let's just say that I did not get much done on Saturday.  I could barely get down a cup of coffee.  There, I said it.  It's been a very long time since I was unable to get down my morning jo.  Holy hell. 

It was almost noon before I could even consider getting anything done.  Saturday was supposed to be the day I shopped for a dress to wear to the Kentucky Oaks.  Yes, I am going.  Again. 

I went to college in Kentucky and met some of the most wonderful people there.  I have been going to the Kentucky Derby almost every year (missed 3) since 1995.  This is the first year that we will be sitting somewhere other than in the infield.  Seriously.  This is all foreign to us. 

I did end up getting myself into the car and took my neighbor with me to a local resale shop in hopes of finding a dress that wouldn't break the budget.  The planets were all aligned, because not only did I find a dress, I found the perfect dress!!  I can't show you until the whole thing is put together, but here are some clues.
1) Pale pink
2) Seersucker
3) I don't have a clue #3, sorry.

The last piece to the puzzle will be a hat, and I have a little time to get that done.  I did find a great hat at a store today, but, and toying with the idea of crafting one of my own.  Nothing like a homemade Derby hat!! 

I had been invited to go out with friends Saturday night for a night of karoke.  I was really looking forward to it originally.  After staying out 'til 1AM, feeling like I might lose lunch all day, and being so tired I could hardly form a sentence, there was little chance I was going to make it.  And I didn't. 

At dinner, Daddy dropped the big reminder on me that the next day, Sunday, was his company's day at Great America (GA), our local Six Flags.  Oh my.  Dude, I'm hungover, exhausted, and you want me to spend the day in an amusement park filled with roller coasters?!  Right.  Oh, and you want to take the kids!?  Sure.

With this in mind, I finally decided to stay in for the night and miss karoke.  I can do that next time they all get together.  I needed one thing, sleep!  So I grilled ribs for dinner, got the kids in bed, then got myself in bed.

I didn't start my Sunday at Panera this week.  No worries, I spent the day with my family.  Walking.  A lot.  We started out by taking the kids to a nice, rare, breakfast out.  They were so excited to get to eat at IHOP, you would have thought they'd won the Lottery.  Following breakfast, we spent the day at GA.  The weather was alright, just kind of windy and chilly, but better than last year when it was pouring rain all day.  I'll take a little chilly over rain any day.

I would not pay to go to GA, especially not with little kids.  Pricey, crowded, and just not fun with little whiny munchkins.  This day, though, was thanks to Daddy's work, and well worth our time and effort.  They have added a Wiggles themed area complete with a small stage show featuring a couple of characters from the popular show.  This turned out to be the most popular part with both Fred and Ethel, and I'm so glad for that.  We were able to spend most of the day in the Wiggles area, aside from our trek to the picnic area for lunch, and the kids had a total blast.  Fred was afraid of the Big Red Plane ride at first, but once he got the guts, he announced to me, "I'm not scared, Mommy".  He flew that plane like a pro.  Ethel had a great time riding in The Big Red Car with Daddy behind me and Fred, and we all had fun on the carousel before we left the park.

As expected, they slept in the car on the way home, and that was the extent of naps for the day.  We got home an they each spent a little time in their rooms playing on their own before we had some dinner, followed by bath time.  Bed time Sunday night was early, and everyone (well, the kids) was asleep by 7:30 PM.  It was really nice.

It was nice to have a day free of spring cleaning, food shopping, and other things that have taken up our last few weekends.  My liver is not the only part of my body crying u.n.c.l.e, though, as now my feet and one arthritic knee are waving the white flag.  It won't be long before my body turns French and goes on strike.

Now it's late and I need to get to bed.  I'm sure none of this has made sense, as I think I killed plenty of brain cells off during the weekend.  Hopefully they'll return.

I will post an update once I figure out my hat situation for the Oaks.  I am really excited to be going back, seeing my friends, and actually sitting in the bleachers.  OK, they're not grandstand seats, but, man, this is going to be a total blast.  I'll see a whole new part of Churchill Downs after all these years.  Very cool.

I'd better get myself to bed.

That's all for now.

Confessions

I let my daughter dress herself.
I serve Mac and Cheese by itself pretty often.
I don't like shopping.
I feel guilty for working.
I yell.
I love red wine.
I hate vegetables.
I love to use my grill.
I let my kids jump on my bed.
I haven't started potty training my son.
I'm a tomboy.
I am a creature of habit.
I listen to WXRT.
I miss my mom.
I miss my grandparents.
I hope I'm a good mom.
I love my house.
I don't like the color pink.
I don't like iPods.
I watch news every day.
I worry about money.
I don't care about Tiger Woods.
I'm a Cub fan.
I sing in my car.  With the windows down.
I can't get enough Diet Coke.
I drink coffee.
I still listen to cassette tapes in my car.
I have lots of CD's and haven't put them all on an iPod.
I am a Gleek.
I am tired.

That's all for now.

Me time, week 10

I'm starting to think that someone out there is spreading the word of my location, and everyone is starting to figure this place out!  When I got here to my Panera, there were maybe two other patrons.  Nice, quiet, comfortable.  Being a little hungover from last night's outing, I was glad to have a peaceful setting to enjoy my me time.  In just under an hour, the place is practically hoppin'!  It's great, and it's nowhere near as chaotic as the environment at the other location I used to go to, but I wasn't expecting anyone to be sitting near me today! 

It's all good.  I ordered my coffee right when I got here, and guess what Matt asked me about it - "Would you like that in a mug or a to-go cup?"!  I finally got offered the ever elusive MUG!  Of course, being the creature of habit that I tend to be, I declined and took the to-go cup.  I have to admit, it's nice to have a full cup of hot coffee to take with me when I leave.  While the mug would have been nice, I feel that I've finally come to terms with the idea of the mug here, and just being offered the mug is enough for me to feel satisfied that I've been accepted into this mysterious world of the coffee house hang out.  I thanked Matt for offering the mug, took my to-go cup, and settled in at my table. 

Not long into my visit, Mike came to my table and asked if I'd like to try one of their souffles.  Flattered, I agreed to the spinach artichoke.  Mike let me know from behind the counter that my choice was all gone, so I went with the spinach bacon.  Just what I needed, a little grease, it was delish.  I figured out that just before their souffles expire, they offer them to a few customers on the floor.  Of course, I think this is only a practice when there are very few customers, since you probably couldn't offer these little "samples" when the place is nearly full.  Either way, I was pleased with my souffle, and it was a generous portion, making it all the better.

I'm really looking forward to today.  Having company is the stimulus for cleaning anyway, and since we've been into spring cleaning mode lately, this will allow us to check this off the spring cleaning list.  I plan to wash the floors in the dining room and kitchen, after we vacuum the whole first floor.  I vacuumed the upstairs this week, so that is out of the way.

Tonight's dinner will be pork tenderloin, asparagus, garlic texas toast, Hawaiian salad, probably buttered noodles, and salad.  A mixture of tastes, but, I think it will be a nice dinner.  Just need to get crackers and cheese, wine, beer, and some pop/soda/whateveryouwanttocallit.  That will be the easy part.

Ethel is really excited about having company for dinner tonight, it's been all she's talked about for the last two days.  Fred probably couldn't care less.  Can't wait to have everyone together tonight.

That's all for now.

Me time, week 9

The week started with a glimmer of spring.  Really it did.  You wouldn't know it today, though.  I sit here in my spot at Panera, overlooking snow covered grass, trees, and bushes.  What happened to warm temperatures, bright blue skies, and the sound of children finally escaping the confinement of winter?  Sadly, it's taken a break.

Last weekend we began our spring cleaning.  I made a list of things to do and we got one room mostly done.  We filed away the stacks of papers, sorted through over a year's worth of art projects from both kids, and purged lots of unnecessary paperwork.  I made folders for things in the file cabinets, and the desktop is now free from clutter and piles.  Part of what is going to help me with ADD is being free from clutter and distraction.  Making a place for everything from bills to art projects makes me feel so much better.  I don't feel as anxious when I enter the guest room where the computer is.  The room feels more functional and peaceful.  Our next step in that room is to minimize the desk and install shelving to house the computer, printer, and fun trinkets that we like to keep on display in there.  After a trip to the Container Store last weekend, I became inspired, and made a plan for the room.  Can't wait to get it going.

Today we'll tackle our bedroom.  They say your bedroom is your sanctuary and should be a place to find calm, quiet, and relaxation.  Right now, you can find dust, laundry, and more dust.  Today we will deconstruct the room and clean it from top to bottom.  I cannot wait to crawl into bed tonight in my clean, hopefully organized room.  I've toyed with posting pictures on HGTV.com Rate my Space but haven't done so yet. 

One thing that's bugging the bejeezus out of me right now is that our camera, our Canon Power Shot A590 IS won't keep a charge, or so it appears.  After replacing the coin battery and both AA's, it still won't power up, or it takes two pictures and tells me to change the batteries.  I JUST DID!!!!  Honestly, it's become my mission to fix this darn thing.  I know of a couple camera shops in the area, but, am determined to figure out the problem myself.  I did read online somewhere that there was a problem with the battery contacts which is prevalent with the A590 IS, but, only saw that once on a Q&A page.  Will be researching more today.

As everyone knows, it's March Madness.  Yes, our house is generally consumed this time of year with brackets, squares, and lots of quality time with CBS and CBSSports.com.  This year, Daddy and I didn't buy into any squares, but, we're crazy with our brackets.  My alma mater didn't make it to the Big Dance this year, unfortunately, so I was left to struggle with actually putting together a bracket based on season records and injury reports.  My current feeling on the tournament - who really cared about the Midwest region anyway, right?  Ya, Kansas and Georgetown stung me in one bracket.  That's alright, I have one bracket still alive and I hope the rest of round two today goes better for me than yesterday.  My saving grace is that I'm not alone.  Well, it doesn't make it all better, but, at least some of the experts went down with me. 

I'm feeling pretty good about things today.  I have some positive energy, I feel somewhat rested, and am looking forward to all things spring and summer.  I'm relaxed here in my spot at Panera, and am looking forward to tuna steaks for dinner.   Yum. 

I need to plan my menu for the next two weeks, to include dinner next Sunday for Daddy's family.  He has recently reconnected, after 7 years apart, with one of his cousins from his father's side.  It's been a long time since we've seen or talked with anyone from this side of Daddy's family, and he is very much looking forward to it.  Cousin #1 will be coming with her three children and her father, Daddy's uncle.  My plan is to clean my house top to bottom and wow their pants off.  I love to entertain, so I'm going to try to plan a meal that will bring the house down.  Need to think about appetizers and wine, and of course a yummy dessert.  Gonna take some thinkin', I think!

I guess Mother Nature has a plan for us.  I guess I should take the cold and snow as my clue to get working inside so I can sooner enjoy the outside.  When I think about it, that's just what I'm doing for ME.  I'm working on the inside of me so that I can enjoy all of what is around me.  My husband, my kids, my home, my friends, my world.  Funny how things all seem to work together.

Musings of the morning

I couldn't help but take note of a couple things this morning.

Fred has been waking at 5AM for the past couple of months.  The time change looked like it might be a glimmer of  hope, allowing us to see 6 on the clock instead of 5.  It was.  For three days.  Sigh.  Today, he gave me until 6:10AM!  He still accepted my instructions to turn on his light and play with his cars and trains in his room.  It's nice that he'll do this, although with his room next to ours, and with him being three, "quiet" is a relative term.  Still, it's so much fun to listen to him use different voices for his cars as they vroom, go over bridges, and race against each other as they have different adventures in his room.  It is kind of fun, at the right hour.

This morning I decided to get up about 6:30 and quietly get my coffee so I could have some Mommy time before the morning's madness begins.  The weather this week has been balmy, even by Chicago standards, with temperatures between the mid 50's and upper 60's.  We've played outside, gotten out the kids' bikes, and drawn with chalk on the driveway.  The kids have loved seeing the birds and hearing their chirps and calls.  It's nice to wake up and hear their familiar melodies and know that their appearance is a true sign that spring is near.

So as I rose from my bed, I noticed the roof on the next door neighbor's house appeared white.  Hm, the forecast did say rain, sleet, and possible snow by tomorrow, but I did not expect to wake up to a winter wonderland today!!   

As I type, there is wind howling, snow falling, and it looks more like December outside than March, let alone the first day of spring!

So, welcome spring time.  Happy first day of spring.  Today I'm listening to the sounds of my son and his cars and trains rather than the birds in the trees.  I hear the sound of snow and sleet pelting the windows, rather than people outside enjoying a morning walk or tending their gardens and catching up on the weeks' happenings.  I guess it's not so bad, though.  March Madness is here, and we have games to watch and teams to cheer for.  We have closets to clean, rooms to organize, and spring cleaning to do.

I guess being inside this weekend won't be so bad after all.  Perhaps this is Mother Nature's warning to us to finish our business inside so that we can enjoy her magic outside when the time finally comes.

Welcome, spring.

Me time, week 8

Eight weeks.  I've been taking time for myself now for eight weeks.  Well, I missed a couple Sunday mornings, but the point is I've been thinking about ME for eight weeks now.  What a difference eight weeks have made.

Two months ago I was angry, tired, and disappointed.  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I needed a break.  I needed to reconnect.  I needed a change.  I reached out for help.

I met a new friend who helped me understand that what I was going through was not uncommon, but also not unimportant.  My challenges were just that, challenges, not obstacles.  I could work through the challenges, and I could free myself of the anger, fatigue, and disappointment.  Life as a working mom doesn't have to be an uphill battle.  It can be, and is, fun, fulfilling, and worthy.  I am worthy.  I am fun.  I am not crazy.

On this journey, I've found the inherent truth in the adage, "When Mommy ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".  I've also uncovered, and come to appreciate, the unique aspects of what makes up me and the person that I've become.  One of those things is ADHD/ADD.  I've passed the "honeymoon" period of excitement and relief, and have arrived at the stage where the work begins.  I've spend the last month since my diagnosis piecing together aspects of my life which have been shaped by the ADD which I've dealt with, unknowingly, most of my life.  I've made the connection between things I thought I couldn't do, and living with something that simply makes those things more difficult for me to do.  I've come to see that there is little that I "can't" do, and that I'm really not as inept in many areas as I once thought I was. 

One of the ways I've come to reconnect is by carrying out the assignment my new friend gave me, which is to leave the house each week.  Leave the house, don't just sit in a room with the door shut trying to block out the chatter, cries for Mommy, and sounds that are going on in the house.  Not having any clue how to do this, I finally just picked a Sunday morning and left the house, and headed to a local Panera.  There, I got to know a cast of characters, both patrons and employees, who provided me with plenty of people watching material.  After a few weeks of going there, though, I lost the magic.  I wasn't drawn there any longer.  I could tell that I wasn't really spending time on me, I was spending time listening to the conversations, watching interactions, learning how people order their bagels, and getting annoyed by that damned bagel cutter.  I struggled with whether that was really my just right spot, or if it was time to find another.

Fast forward to today.  After a week off, it was time for me to leave the house for my Sunday morning me time.  Where would I go?  I seriously struggled with what to do.  I finally decided to head to the Panera closer to my house.  I chose Panera because I have a fun toy (which I'm writing on right now) that I wanted to try out.  Now that I've become comfortable with the concept of "hanging out" in one of these coffee venues, I needed a comfortable place to play with my new toy, but one which wasn't as busy as the other place.  I think I've found my just right spot.  This location is slightly smaller, much more open, and tons more inviting.  What a difference.  It's not quite as busy and is not in the center of town.  The staff are friendly, showed me the table where the coffee is, and I've seen most of the customers come in and be greeted with familiarity, as they are obviously regulars, or at least know the staff better than a first-timer like me.

In an area like this, just outside Chicago, it's easy to get lost.  Not just the directionally challenged kind of lost, but, lost in the proverbial shuffle.  On one hand, it's nice to know that everyone doesn't know every time you sneeze, fight with your spouse, or turn without using your turn signal.  On the other hand, it can be tough to have that Little House on the Prairie feeling of knowing your local business owners, knowing your neighbors, and knowing that your community is there for you when you need it.  It is possible, though.  I feel, in this one small spot in this one large city, that I'm comfortable and welcome.  This is a huge business, it's not a local shop (still looking for one of those, they're so few and far between any more).  Still, in this one store, I walked in and felt comfortable.  Perhaps I wouldn't have felt so out of place that first week if I'd been in here. 

Anyway, this time I've been taking for myself has allowed me to recharge a little and refocus on the positive.  It's given the kids time to reconnect with their Daddy.  It's given us all that little break we were all needing.  Now, Momma's happy.  Now I think we're all happy.

Me time, week 6

I was pretty tired as I departed for my time at Panera this week.  I spent the bulk of Saturday scrapbooking with friends, and got home some time around midnight.  I knew that this would be one morning when coffee would be a must.

When I got to Panera, the parking lot wasn't any more crowded than I'm used to, but inside was a different story.  Sure, I'd gotten a bit of a late start, about half an hour later than my normal time, but I don't think my timing had anything to do with how crowded it was.  Just a few different groups of people this morning.  The first thing I noticed was that one of the tall tables by the front window was hosting a group of ladies out for morning fare.  I could see them as I walked from my car.  They were having a great time catching up and telling stories, I could tell.  As I entered the restaurant, I tried to judge the best spot to sit, given how crowded it was.  Not an easy choice.  I didn't want to sit in an isolated booth, and the comfy leather chairs in the corner were taken.  I could have gone all the way to the back to one of the little 2-seater tables, but, prefer to be where the action is.  Luckily, the carpeted area near the front wasn't full, and the table where the man in the yellow sweater had been before was empty.  Either I'd missed the man in the yellow sweater, or I got there first.  Either way, it didn't take me long to decide on that small table against the half wall.  Should I sit first, then order?  Nah, I'm not that bold yet.  I ordered first.  Just a coffee for now.  I ordered my standard grande, not choosing, again, to ask about the mug.  Just not important this time.  One thing I did learn is that there is, indeed, a hole in the counter for trash!  I'd been taking my empty sugar packets and stirrers over to the trash bins by the door all this time, and lo and behold, there's a trash bin right there between the sugar holder and the napkin dispenser.  I'm really getting the hang of this, I think!

Aside from the ladies at the tall table, the two gentlemen who'd sat there two weeks ago were on the bench seats against the wall.  I think they recognized me, and we exchanged brief eye contact and a quick nod.  I sat facing the door, so my back was to them.  I hoped they didn't mind. 

I brought Twilight with me this time, hoping for some mindless reading that wouldn't make me feel too frustrated when having to read passages over and over again.  I haven't read any of my Healthy Selfishness in just over a week, but, hope to get back on that wagon soon.  I got my coat off and it hung perfectly on the back of my chair, just barely touching the floor.  One thing I can't stand is getting up and tripping over my coat when it pools on the floor.  I settled in with my coffee and my book, and took a quick look around.

Not long after I seated myself, the ladies at the tall table finished up.  I could tell they didn't just roll out of bed, this was something they'd planned to do and they dressed for the occaision.  Well, most of them.  None were dressed in Old Navy snowman fleece pants (I have the same ones, that's how I know) and flip flops like one gal that I saw stroll in some time later.  Most were in jeans, nice sweaters, that kind of thing.  One lady was wearing yoga pants, they were cute.  Until she turned and faced my direction.  Please explain to me why you would put rhinestones on a pair of yoga pants.  Seriously.  An intricate flowery or paisley pattern in rhinestones rested just below her hip, high on her thigh.  Honestly, she looked casual and comfortable, but, not sloppy, but the rhinestones did nothing for the yoga pants.  If you wanna dress up your yoga pants, I'm thinkin' that's not the way to go.  But what do I know, I showed up my first week there in a an old sweatshirt, hand me down jeans, and 8 year old shoes.

I was too comfy in my chair to try to relocate myself once the ladies vacated the tall table.  Plus, with there being that many people in the restaurant, I did feel like I'd be hogging space without necessity since there's just one of me, and the tall table seats at least six.  So I stayed parked at my table along the half wall. 

Shortly after I was all situated, I noticed a woman, likely in her late 50's, roaming around the carpeted area looking for a spot to park.  I thought, at first, that she would be meeting someone because she rearranged the four chairs around one of the tables where she'd placed a book and her keys.  Then she went over by the counter, then came right back and collected her things from that table.  As she breezed by me, she said, very kindly and with a smile, "You're in my favorite spot".  I must have really thrown her for a loop!  I lightly replied, "I beat you to it, I guess", to which she responded, "Oh, no, that's OK, there's another fine seat right here", and she perched at the table behind me.  I guess the man in the yellow sweater was holding a coveted spot, and now it was I in the coveted spot.  Very nice.

While we were exchanging our quips about my table, the Alaska lady from a couple weeks ago arrived.  She was walking with a pronounced limp, and I don't recall her having that last time I saw her.  You may recall that she is one of the three ladies who know the pulled back guy.  She had a different bag with her today, sporting a blue Le SportSac straight out of the 80's.  Very cute, but, it's been years since I've seen a Le SportSac.  She put her things down, went and ordered, and retured to her table with a friendly nod in my direction before she sat with her back to my table.  As she sat down, she greeted the two gentlemen on the bench seats, addressing them by name.  I hadn't noticed in the past that they'd ever greeted each other. 

The three ladies were only two again this week, but there was no mention of the third lady when number two arrived.  The second lady also mentioned the Le SportSac when she noticed her friend's bag, agreeing that it was a cute little bag.  Before I knew it, the two ladies were flitting from one topic to another in conversation, and suddenly I heard the first lady shuffling a deck of cards.  I turned slightly to see a cribbage board on the table between the two ladies.  As they began to play they also discussed some online game that they both play, and they each shared their strategies for playing the game.  Then the second lady went and ordered her bagel, and upon her return commented on how Wendy, one of the girls behind the counter, toasts the bagels perfectly every time.  Then the two ladies giggled about how wonderful it is to be regulars.  Ah, they're officially regulars.  I wonder when I will qualify as a regular. :)

Well, I didn't really come alone, I did bring Bella and her twisted crew from Forks.  She recently returned from a trip to the beach with some friends, and had a terrible dream about a friend becoming a wolf.  I have to admit that I'm enjoying the book, and I think it's a good thing that it's such an easy read.  Riveting, no, but, easy to read and allows me to escape from time to time.  I am clearly not going to be decorating my home with Twilight garb, but, I can see myself reading the series by the end of 2010.  I wish I could say that I can see myself joining a team as so many other readers of Twilight have, but, that's not really how I roll.  Anyway, I admit to having been a bit envious as Bella was able to lay out and fall asleep on the lawn on one of the few sunny days where she lives.  I wish I could sit still for that long. 

Back at Panera, I filled quite a bit of time getting lost in Twilight, despite having to read and reread passages as I progressed in the story.  I wasn't quite as distracted as I was two weeks ago, but, I did have a low level of difficulty keeping focused on the book.  I guess it didn't help to be hearing the bagel cutter just over the wall from me, or the shuffling of cards at the table next to me.

I wondered about the pulled back guy when I realized it was almost my time to head out, and he still hadn't arrived.  The two ladies had talked about all kinds of things, including the second lady's husband who is apparently nearly blind and seeking treatment for his diminishing eye sight.  Apparently his failing sight is one of many health related dramas in her family along with a chest cold she's been dealing with, among other things.  Not to disappoint, the pulled back guy finally arrived.  I suddenly felt like a part of their small group as he chose a table next to the ladies, nodding in my direction and flashing a friendly smile as he approached the table he chose.  He's fast.  He had his laptop out, coat off, and was all booted up before I could even turn to see where he'd sat down.  He's got a cool little net book, and I was almost going to ask him how he likes it but I'm not ready to directly engage any of the regulars just yet.  He and the second lady quickly discovered that they have this chest cold in common, and pulled back guy tried to garner some credit for spreading it since he's been wrestling with it since the beginning of the year.  Ah, the pleasantries that are exchanged over coffee.

I was soon getting a little bored with Bella and figured that since my neighbors had so much chatting to do, and cribbage to play that it was time for me to exit the building.  Joking that I must have been leaving because of them, the second lady and pulled back guy made a couple funny quips about my departure being due to something they said, to which I smiled and gently commented that it was just my time to head home.  We all greeted each other a good day, and I headed to the table where I would refill my coffee.

At the table, there was a girl in a bright pink jacket.  You know, it's not very often that someone wears a bright color around here, so this was a welcome sight to see.  It's true, the fashions around this area are drab, mostly gray, black, brown, and muted colors when they are worn.  This girl was bold enough to splash the scene with a vibrant, almost neon, pink.  I complimented her and told her what a pretty color her jacket was, even though I really don't like pink.  It was the fact that she wore such a fun, bright color that really made the impression on me.  She thanked me, we refilled our coffees, and I left the building.

On the way home, I stopped at JoAnn Fabrics to pick up some additional prizes for the prize bag that I've compiled for Ethel.  She has done an amazing job with her responsibility chart, and I can't tell you how much better things are since we've had the chart.  We rarely argue about getting things done, and she actually enjoys reaching all the goals we set forth for her each week.  For something so simple, it's made a huge impact in our house.  I can't wait to get one for Fred.

We had a busy rest of the day after I returned home.  Ethel had a birthday party in the afternoon, then we had dinner at a family friend's house in the evening.  All in all it was a great day, despite the lack of sunshine and impending snow storm.  Any day spent with family and good friends is a great day in my book.

Me time, week 5

This week I decided to do my me time another day, since today is Valentine's Day.  It's not a huge deal between my husband and I, but I thought it would be nice to spend the day together.  The whole day.  Plus, Ethel is totally into Valentine's Day, so I wanted to be around for the morning at least and give the kids cards and a small token that Nani mailed to each of them. 

Fred woke early again today, a pattern he started in the middle of the week.  This morning he held off until 5AM, so that was a lucky break.  Even being Daddy's day to get out of bed with the kids, I jumped out of bed as soon as I heard Fred open his bedroom door.  Daddy's reflexes are quite dulled in slumber, so I took this one for the team.  Fred agreed to turn on a light and play in his room, and he did so for about an hour and a half.  I have to admit (now that the sun is up and I've had some coffee), he was really sweet as he played with his cars in his room, quoting Dinosaur Train, singing songs, and organizing the cars by color.  I still dozed on and off until he finally exited his room, announcing that it was time to start the day.  He and Daddy brushed their teeth together and headed downstairs.  Ethel was still sleeping in her bed, having gone to bed late after a birthday party yesterday.

I somehow found sleep again and was able to keep my eyes shut and my mind turned off until about 7:30, when I decided to check the morning news franchises.  I'm a Good Morning America girl on the weekends, when I happen to catch the AM show.  It's been a while since I checked in on Bill and Kate, but, they haven't changed much since I last saw them.  Then I figured I'd check on Lester Holt over on Today, and learned about the Olympic happenings I'd missed while I was out last night, and couldn't keep my eyes open for later (sorry Apollo). 

I soon heard some noise from Ethel's room, and found her on her bed, having sorted the goodies from her adorable goody bag from yeterday's birthday party.  A cute Princess purse, one of those little metal ones with the beaded handle, filled with bubbles, some candy, and assorted other trinkets.  She's taken the candy aside, and then asked me to put it in the candy bin I have in the cabinet.  I guess my habit of scavenging the kids' goody bags over the years have paid off, as Ethel readily offered the candy for storage, rather than pulling the covers over her head attempting to hide while eating a Butterfinger.  I dutifully agreed to put the candy away for her, and she opted to play with her goodies instead of joining the boys downstairs and getting some breakfast.

Eventually she conceded and Daddy and the kids had breakfast while I watched a little Teen Mom, 5 Ingredient Fix, and the Biography on Elton John.  I am a sucker for mindless TV, and the ADD lends well to my ability to channel surf and still keep up with each show. :)

Daddy came in about a half hour ago to wish me Happy Valentine's Day, and agreed that I would spend a little more time relaxing before joining the family.  After all, the last four Sundays I was already heading out the door at this hour.  I wiped the sleep from my eyes and headed down to get a coffee.  I was pleasantly surprised to see that Daddy had remembered to turn on the coffee maker for me.  Suddenly, the fact that the dining room light was on (something that would normally irritate me) was a non-issue.  I got my coffee and came back upstairs to find Ethel wearing the Snow White dress she'd worn to the birthday party (and last weekend to the story time), which I'd placed in the laundry basket last night.  None of this bothers me right now.  Rather than walk around the house and nit-pick, as I so commonly do, I am enjoying a relaxing morning.

I realize that the past four Sunday mornings have allowed the kids and Daddy to establish a morning routine which doesn't require whining for Mommy, nor Mommy's intervention.  My house is calm, my family is happy, and anything that needs to be done will be there when I decide to tackle it.  What a gift my alone time, my me time, has given me.  Even if the calm is disturbed, even if Fred has a "I've been up for four hours and I'm crabby" meltdown, I've had this moment to see how wonderful my family is.

I will probably take this weekend off from my me time, and that's fine with me.  I hope the girls behind the counter at Panera understand, and I hope they still have a warm hazlenut coffee for me next week.  I'll miss hearing about what the three ladies did this week, what movie pulled back guy recommends, and seeing the two guys who got the tall table last week.  Hopefully we can all start again where we left off when I return next week.  We'll enjoy our coffee together.  I'll do my reading.  My kids will have their time with their Daddy.  And I'll have my coffee.  Yum.

Me time, part 4 (B)

Today's me time posting had to take two entries.  First, I have too many thoughts in my mind to create any single entry that would make any sense to anyone other than me.  Second, I need to focus my thoughts about my progress with ME in their own spot, I don't want to mix them too much with other stuff that goes on in my head.  Three, it's totally unfair to any reader to have to scroll for days just to read about two hours of my life in a restaurant.  So, this is my part B entry for my me time today.

Today I took notes.  I already talked about how hard it was for me to focus today, and taking notes at least keeps me reminded that I had a thought.  So often I have too many thoughts at a single time to keep them straight even to myself, so I agreed to let myself rely on my pen and paper today. 

I got to Panera this morning, unsure of what the morning would bring.  The past three visits, I knew that I was taking time for me, and I really wanted it.  Today I didn't have that entirely selfish feeling about it, though.  I can't pin point it, I can't make sense of it.  I just felt differently this morning (one might qualify that feeling as "hungover", but, I hesitate to use that word just yet, I have felt worse in the past).  OK, move on.

I approached the counter and waited my turn to order, catching the eye of the girl behind the counter.  I can't tell if the staff are beginning to recognize me, and it doesn't matter if they do, but it always feels nice when someone remembers you.  Well, me.  Anyway, I soon realized that the girl's eyes meeting mine might have been a cry for help from the guy in front of me.  The man in front of me stood probably just over 6 feet tall, is probably in his early 60's, and was dressed well, including a nice hat.  You just don't see men, or women for that matter, wearing nice hats that often these days.  A ball cap, usually, but not a nice brimmed topper with a gentle pucker in the top for easy application.  He was holding a book in the crook of his arm, "The Modern Gentleman", and I could see that he was exemplary of the title.  His ability to order food and drink, though, were blatantly lacking.  The poor girl behind the counter had to explain to him that he could order his food from her, she would tell him the total cost, he would pay her, and the food could be collected at the counter to his right.  Now I thought I had issues with ordering in a coffee shop, but this guy made me feel like I was a pro.  I lost count at three times that she showed him where he would collect his sandwhich after it was freshly made to his specificiations.  After repeating that the bread was only lightly buttered, no mayo, she reminded him again where he could find the desired condements should his sandwhich need additional decoration.  Excited to have grasped the concept, he nearly vacated his place in line before the girl behind the counter returned his credit card and gave him his receipt and "your food's ready" light-up square.  After completing the transaction fully, it was then my turn to order.

I decided not to set my sights on the mug today.  I was satisfied with the paper cup idea, and knowing I could take it home with me, and I wouldn't have to get up to refill too often, as I would with the mug.  I just didn't have it in me today to put that much effort into my coffee.  I opted not to order food, I don't like to overachieve on mornings like this.  So I paid my fee and turned to the table with the coffee.  I was shocked, left vulnerable, and unsure what to do.  The hazlenut coffee was not on the table.  Oh no.  Are they not offering it today?  Did I miss something?  Were they cutting costs?  What happened??  Slowly, I got a grip on myself and turned around to see a young guy with his Panera shirt and name tag on.  I didn't bother to read his name, I needed coffee, his name didn't matter to me.  I asked if the hazlenut was brewing, and he flashed a sympathetic smile and told me yes, it would be ready in a few minutes.  Whew!  I relaxed and agreed to wait at my chosen spot until the brew arrived.  For a moment, though, I contemplated the light roast and thought about how much extra half and half and sugar I would add if I went that route, or perhaps I should go to the counter and explain that I don't like unflavored coffee and I would prefer a mocha or a latte or something else that I don't know how to order just for the sake of having something to drink while I hogged a seat in a restaurant for way longer than you should be allowed to do.  Thankfully, none of that action was required, and soon the hazlenut arrived to the table.  I could tell I wasn't the only one who was caught off guard, as I noticed the coffee was tapped almost as soon as the girl brought it to the table.  OK, mission salvaged.

I chose a seat along the wall in the same area I sat in last week.  I realized that sitting with my back to the majority of the action was too uncomfortable for me, so I chose the bench seat along the wall so that I could take in more of the scenery.  I sat close enough to the window that I was able to drink up the plentiful sunshine, despite the fact that my eyes and head didn't seem to be on board with the plan.  My mind and body yearn for a good dose of sunshine this time of year, but, the eye and head team don't often play nice in that sandbox.  Of course, taking them all to the bar last night didn't really do much for getting them all on the same page.  Still, I knew that the sun would be good for me, and I took my place on the bench seat.  I noticed immediately that the two men in this seat last week were at one of the high tables along the window.  Lucky dogs.  The man with the yellow sweater was at the same table as last week, but, the sweater was a different color.  I didn't notice the color of his sweater this week, I hadn't had my coffee yet.  I did notice, though, when he left that his soft scarf was a very pretty buttery yellow, so he did continue the theme this week.  It's a nice color on him, too.  After settling in my seat, I noticed that I probably followed a pack of wolves by the look of the mess on the floor and three small tables pushed together.  I am always amazed at how difficult it appears to be for some people to aim for the mouth, and to succeed in that endeavour.  Laying judgement aside, I kept the seat because it was too much effort to move, and I didn't want to look stupid. 

Ignoring my eyes and their request to be hidden, I stared outside at the softly falling snow.  We're not getting the 2 feet of snow that they got out East, but, there was some snow falling.  It was almost like a movie where the snow is falling slowly just for the sake of allowing the camera to catch its white beauty.  The thought kept entering my mind, "Can you hear the snow falling?".  Odd thought, I guess.  Anyway, I stared at the snow as it fell on the parking lot, and it was very calming.  My eyes won the battle and their cries to make me stop looking out the window were heeded, as I returned my sights on the customers exiting the dining area.  For the most part ,the crowd is dressed pretty well.  I already admitted I'm definitely not a fashion plate, but, that's not to say that I live in the slummy clothes that I was wearing on my first visit here.  I know what's within the acceptable boundaries of good taste and obvious effort when you dress to leave your house and present yourself to the general public.  At least, I would argue that I do.  What puzzles me, though, are people like one woman I saw who gave no impression of effort, and left no doubt that she'd literally just rolled out of bed.  Baggy sweat pants, oversized boots, a jacket two sizes too big, and hair that needed some desperate attention, I couldn't believe that she really left the house and agreed with herself that she looked alright to go out somewhere and eat.  I know it's not the 95th or anything, but even *I* brushed my hair.  I wonder what the man with the hat would have thought.  Or the mid-60's gentleman with two lady friends at a table near the door, wearing their Sunday's best.  Oh well, I guess that's how things are today.  The place is casual, so why put the effort into your own appearance?  I don't certainly mean that one should wear make up, a suit and tie, or go to that extreme, but, at least brush your hair and put on sweats that fit you.  And to the woman with the purse that literally hung to her knee, time for a new purse.  Seriously, no purse was ever intended to hang at your knee.  Messenger bag, look into it.  Thank you.

It wasn't long before the two gentlemen at the tall table retreated to journey on with their Sundays.  One guy grabbed his paper and coffee and headed right for the door.  The other made an obligatory call home before getting up from the table.  After he slowly departed the restaurant, I looked around the area and noticed that I was the only one in the whole area.  Well, besides two women at a table next to the door, but, they were pretty deep in their conversation, so I knew that they didn't notice anything that was going on around them.  This was my chance to try the tall table by the window.  By now, my eyes had adjusted to the sun light and I wasn't entirely comfortable on the bench seat.  Once I got up the guts, I moved to the tall table by the window.  It felt good to be that much closer to the window where I could feel the sun shine on my face.  It was a little more comfortable, too, with the taller seat, firm seat back, and I was able to rest my feet on the seat across from me.  There were some crumbs on the table, but, the two gentlemen before me were definitely neater than whomever had preceeded me at my previous seat along the wall. 

The nice manager, I think her name tag said "Laurie", came by to clean the tables, and asked if I minded her cleaning mine.  I told her that was no problem for me and I tried to move my book and coffe out of her way, and she picked up my sunglasses off the table.  As she went to lay them back down, they slipped from her hand and she joked that she'd just scratched my expensive shades, to which I just had to laugh.  We continued a little joking about the merits of buying inexpensive sunglasses and the inhernt risk of loss and damage when we spend more money.  Just then, the lady in the Alaska sweatshirt who'd just arrived said that she never paid more than $X for sunglasses until she got prescription ones, which she promptly broke.  We three shared some fun blips about cheap sunglasses and where to get the cheapest, but, decent looking, sunglasses.  The Alaska lady went to the counter to order, and Laurie continued on with her duties.  I went back to my book, then glanced out the window to see the guy with the pulled back (from last week) walking toward the store.  Ah, a familiar face.  As he entered the restaurant, he immediately found a spot (where the man in the yellow sweater had been sitting) and then went to the counter to order.

I have to tangent for a moment to note that I don't know that I've ever rested my things before going to the counter to order.  I kind of do it the old school way by entering, ordering, then sitting.  Both the guy with the pulled back and Alaska lady sat first, then ordered.  Hm.

Turns out, pulled back guy and Alaska lady know each other.  It wasn't long before Alaska lady was joined by a pleasant woman in a bright, striped turtle neck, and I realized that these were the ladies from the table beside me last week, who talked about the census.  Ah, this appears to be a regular meeting time and place for the ladies.  It was just me, the ladies, and the pulled back guy in our area, so I was able to hear most of what they talked about.  This added to my difficulty focusing on my book, but I decided not to fight it and just listen to whatever my mind picked out in the room.  It almost seems unfair, too, that I am learning so much about all these strangers and they know nothing of me.  I'm there by myself, yet they are there together sharing snippets with each other, and as a result, with me.  Anyway, this week I found out that pulled back guy has a son of unknown (to me) age, and I believe has a lady in his life expecting a child (his?), is a teacher, didn't vote Tuesday due to oversleeping and time constraints, he doesn't like Melville, wanted the Saints to win the Super Bowl.  Of the three ladies from last week, one was not going to be joining the other two.  One of the ladies borrowed Love, Actually from pulled back guy, which led to a discussion about Love, Actually vs. Gone With the Wind (random); both ladies were rooting for the Colts, and the great things about Netflix.  All this conversation is nice and chatty, but, I get the feeling that these ladies are at Panera for more than just girl talk and seeing pulled back guy.  They're here to make plans, to take action, and make changes in their worlds.  They didn't get to discussing their thoughts on the census before I realized that it was time for me to leave.

I knew I wasn't focusing my thoughts and energy on me, which is the point for my alone time, so I decided to pack it up.  As I did, a man in a Bears hat, blue shirt, and blue and orange vest approached the table of two of the three ladies, and soon sat to discuss the Super Bowl and why he decided it didn't matter to him who wins the game.  He appeared to be alone, had already gotten his coffe, and sat at a table beside the ladies.  His demeanor was almost guarded as he approached their table, as if he was prepared to battle over the football game or the comparison between Love, Actually and GWTW, or maybe he doesn't like Netflix.  Who knows.  I didn't stay long enough to find out.  As I left the restaurant, pulled back guy was engrossed in something on his laptop, the two of three ladies were talking to the guy in the Bears hat, and the man in the hat from earlier was seated near the big comfy chairs reading a book.  I don't recall seeing him leave, but, he must have because his copy of "The Modern Gentleman" rested on the table next to the new book, a very thick piece which he was thoroughly intersted in at that moment.  His hat lay next to the Gentleman book.

I left the restaurant and headed to the store for a few things before heading home.  I'm not sure if the tall table is just right for me, but am willing to give it a try again next time.  The tall table gave me a new perspective, a new angle on the area I sat in.  Perhaps I need to try another spot to get yet another angle, another perspective.  Just as I likely should do in my own life, find a new angle, a new perspective.  My reading, and knowing I have ADD are both my tall table, allowing me to now seek that new angle, that new perspective.  And even a new cup of coffee.

ME time, part 4 (A)

Today I am tired.  I read somewhere that the symptoms of ADD can be worse when one is tired, and today is one of those days for me.  I look back at my past three posts about my me time, and I'm amazed at how well I put my thoughts into words.  Actually, the first week they poured out of me.  The second, I remembered the things I'd noticed and written about the first week, and sort of tried to continue the theme.  Last week I focused more on my reading about healthy selfishness, but I had a focus.  This week, I am quite scattered.  Being tired does wonders on my mind.  I've always required sleep, and as a child was one of those kids that needed sleep more than other kids.  Looking back, I had difficulty with sleep.  I was the kid who kept coming out of their room at nap time asking, "Can I come out of my room now?" over and over and over again.  It's surprising that my mother didn't drink her way through those years.  Then again, maybe she did.  I was always the first one up in our house, but, quickly learned to be stealth and nobody really knew I was up.  I was, and still am on occaision, a sleep walker and/or talker.  Sleep and I have a pretty strained relationship, and having kids didn't help bring us any closer.

So today I am tired because my husband and I got out of the house last night.  We went to see a friend's band play at a local brewery and restaurant.  We chose to eat dinner at the venue, giving us some time to chat, relax, and be kid free for a short time.  It was really nice, and I freely allowed us to spend some money, order a few drinks, and not freak out when the bill came.  We didn't blow the farm or anything, but, normally I would have walked in with limited cash and been very picky about what I ordered.  I let go and just enjoyed myself.  Anyway, we only saw the first set before we decided to head home.  My husband seems to be coming down with the sore throat thing is that caught me earlier this week, and we are going to see friends for tonight's Super Bowl.  We knew a late night last night would mean misery today.  A brief review, if you could call it that, of last night's band - wow!  They are high energy, rhythmically exciting, and put on a great show.  I really wish we could have stayed for the whole thing, and next time we see them we'll definitely plan accordingly.  Aside from a few small things (turn that girl's mike up!), they satisfy their crowd, and you could see the loyalty of their followers in the audience. 

I digress.

I brought my Healthy Selfishness and my booklet on ADHD with me today.  This was my first me time since the official diagnosis of ADD on Thursday.  I knew that today I wanted to prioritize the issues I want to deal with, as my new friend and I discussed Thursday.  I have the assessment, and I read it over a couple of times.  I found it very difficult to see the words on the paper and make much sense of them.  I am to choose three categories from the assessment, and rank them in order of my desire to work on them.  Things like 'easily distracted', 'can't get organized', 'no follow through', are the categories on the assessment.  I am to choose these three, and rank them with respect to which I want to tackle and improve now, then which one(s) to work on for the near future, and lastly the one(s) to work on improving for the road ahead.  It's not as easy as you might think, especially when your brain is going a million miles a minute in a zillion directions, and you aren't really absorbing the information as you read it. 

I did my best, though.  I tried to focus on my reading, and not on the insanely fun people watching that is offered bountifully in the restaurant.  I plugged along, and I think I did pretty well.  I ranked my top 3 categories on the assessment, and ranked three categories for now, three for soon, and three for down the road.  For the now, I wish to work on a) being on the go, b) can't organize, and c) difficulty following through.  I struggle with these and then argue with myself in my mind over them.  I am a Virgo, Type A personality, and my father and his side of the family are probably some of the most anal, organized, and busy people I know.  Everything has a place, everything goes in that place, and that's all there is to it.  I believe and appreciate this train of thought, but putting it into practice causes me great anxiety.  I *am* organized, but, allow disorganization to occur.  Once things are out of order or disorganized, I stumble and struggle to gain control again.  For instance, I put the mail on the kitchen counter when I bring it in.  I put the kids' school papers there, too.  I leave my sunglasses there so I don't forget to take them when I got out.  So the kitchen counter quickly fills up, faster than I even realize.  Once all that stuff is on there, I fight in my head about where to put it and what to do with it.  I sort it on the counter making neat piles (none too high), leaving it all at one end of the counter so it's easily seen.  When I am able to make it appear neater, my whole house feels more put together.  Then I go into my bedroom and see that I haven't put away my laundry, and the feeling of anxiety over the disorganization starts all over again.  Going from room to room, I can feel my anxiety levels change as I visualize all the things that need to be done.  Still, I am unable to do anything about it because just thinking about what needs to be done in a single room is work in itself.  I go to put a bill on the computer desk and see that there is a huge stack of papers, but I was only dropping the bill on the desk on my way to put a toy in Ethel's room, so if I stop to sort the papers and straighten out the desk, now I have forgotten about putting the toy in Ethel's room, then Ethel asks about the toy, so I abandon the pile of papers......I think you get the idea.

Maybe this happens to other people, I don't know.  This is my normal, though.  This is how everything in my life is for me.  Should I sit down on the bed?  If I do, I have to move that pillow sham, and when I get to the linen closet I notice we're almost out of shampoo, so I go to the kitchen where my grocery list is and I add shampoo to the list, then I check the fridge to see if there's something else we need while I'm making the list....in the end, I choose not to sit on the bed.  Just the thought of what it takes to sit there is overwhelming.  Most people would either move the sham and sit, or put it in the closet and return to be seated.  Perhaps this allows you to see why I am rejoicing in knowing that there is something behind my madness, or perceived madness.  I am not using it as an excuse for why I'm not doing things or why my house is always cluttered in my eyes, but, I now know that I'm not just simply neurotic.  I'm not a slacker, and I'm not inherently disorganized.  Quite the opposite.  I'm just so acutely aware of everything in my surroundings that it swallows me and renders me seemingly helpless.

Back to my me time.  {see, even writing things out I jump all over the place!  LOL}  I prioritized my action items from the assessment.  I feel pretty good about how I ranked the items, and look forward to the plan of action that I hope my new friend and I will draw up this coming Wednesday, the next time we meet.  After ranking my items, I returned to my book.  I am reading Healthy Selfishness with a whole new perspective.

I'm at the point in the book where I've identified that I am a Level 3 Self-Denier, suppressing my own needs, wants, and feelings.  I am now reading the strategies for successfully implementing the changes in my life which I need to make in order to halt the negativity that swirls around in my mind with respect to myself.  In turn, this will help me nurture and heal my relationships in all aspects of my life (well, most, the book isn't claiming to change *everything*).  I didn't get very far in reading this morning because I was having difficulty concentrating on it.  The assessment is brief and a little easier to absorb, while the book is more in-depth and needs more of my focus. 

Here's where another issue comes to the forefront for me.  I also have Tinnitus.  My tinnitus presents as a high pitched ring in both ears.  Everyone with Tinnitus would probably describe their presentation in a different manner, but for me the only words I can come up with are 'high pitched ring'.  I have had it for as long as I can remember, so I don't believe that my Walkman or attendance at concerts were the cause, although I can say that they didn't help matters.  Having gone out to see the band last night has brought the Tinnitus out of the gates.  Often I don't notice it unless I stop and think about it, but, I know it's there all the time.  Today, it's there whether I think about it or not.  This makes it tough for me to block out background noise and keep my focus, because once the background noise is not my focus, the ringing takes center stage.  Most people get that ringing in their ears the day after a concert, but it goes away.  Mine never goes away.

I feel good about what I accomplished this morning.  I cut my time short, though, because my husband isn't feeling great, and I wasn't focusing like I wanted to.  Once I let myself admit that it was OK to go, I gathered my book, booklet, and my coffee and headed for home.  On the way I stopped at the store for a couple ingredients for the dip I'm bringing to our friend's place tonight.  I walked in the door at home to the most awesome sounds.  Everyone was in the basement, and the kids were cheering Daddy on as he played a video game.  Ethel and Fred yelled to me to come join them and see Daddy racing his cars.  So I did.  I joined my family, with no anxiety about it, no trepidation, no expectations.  I sat with my kids and watched their Daddy play a video game, and we laughed and cheered together. 

There's nothing like cheering on Daddy with the kids. 

Me time, part 3

I've come to look forward to my Sunday morning alone time. Today was no exception, and I couldn't wait to get to my reading for the morning. I chose to leave Bella at home and concentrate, instead, on the book my new friend let to me on Wednesday. I'm amazed at how much I've read in the book. I've made more time for this book than I have for anything else for myself in quite a long time. That, of course, is the whole idea right now, and is much of the reason my friend lent me the book.


Healthy Selfishness by Drs. Richard and Rachael Heller is a book about finding the balance in your relationship with yourself and with others. It's about not cheating yourself of the things that you want and need. It's an aid to those of us who deny our feelings and thoughts, replacing them with false beliefs about ourselves and our relationships. According to the authors and their matrix for measuring self-denial, I am a Level 3 Self-Denier. I suppress my feelings and needs in favour of meeting the needs of others. I discount my own feelings when faced with what I perceive to be opposition to those feelings. I suppress my needs so as not to conflict with the needs of others. I overly accommodate. I overly sacrifice. I don't serve myself first, I leave myself out.

This past several days, since I began reading the book, have been a time of discovery for me. This book describes the struggle I've waged against myself ever since I can remember. I've been thinking about events and situations in my life in an entirely new light. I'm beginning to see how I got to this place where I am prisoner to self-depricating thoughts, and a total lack of respect for myself.

I'm not one to reach out for help, especially not from a book. I am at a place in my life, though, which is not a place I want to be in. I am riddled with guilt, fear, and uncertainty in almost all aspects of my life. I've convinced myself that I am destined to live this life, and that there is no other way. I am realizing that dating back into my early years, I have denied my needs, invalidated my feelings, and worked to please others at the risk of losing my own happiness.

The act of going out each Sunday morning has not been an easy one for me. There are so many things involved that most people probably wouldn't think about. I was assigned the task of leaving my house for a set period of time at a set time and duration on a weekly basis. This could be Friday night, it could be Saturday afternoon, as long as the date and time are consistent, and everyone knows and expects it. My husband and I, together, agreed that Sunday mornings would be my time. I chose 8-10AM, which we both agreed was a good time. Sunday mornings are his day to get up with the monkeys, under the assumption that it would also be my morning to sleep in. OK, let's be real, sleeping in is something I haven't done in over 5 years now, and I find it almost impossible to do. I hear the kids stir before they stir, and once I'm up, my brain hits the ground running long before my mind and body catch up. My brain is already making lists, planning days, scheduling chores, and thinking about meals. It's pretty brutal. So, Sunday mornings are a good time for me to get up and go, since it doesn't interfere with my sleeping, any activities, and is generally an open time for all of us. The idea behind my leaving the house is to give myself a break from my role as Mommy (at least in the physical sense), and give my husband that time to embrace the role of Daddy without my interference. Interference meaning that the kids will know they have to turn to Daddy, and Daddy is allowed to play his role without my putting my nose where it doesn't belong. We both need to be allowed to play our respective roles without being made to feel we're doing it wrong, something which Daddy gets cheated of more often than not with me around.

Breaking from my role is not easy. I have become a control freak to an extreme. Leaving the house, and leaving things behind me is one thing I don't do enough of. Getting in my car that first Sunday morning was the first step in my taking alone time. Next was the battle of where to go.

I described my choice of venue after my first outing a couple of weeks ago. Originally I had thought about the library, but for one thing it's not open at 8AM, and for another, I wanted some place where I would not be quite so alone. I don't need a mall or huge crowd, but need some noise around me. So, I settled on Panera, and my alone time assignment began.

Aside from the library, there are few options to choose from which are entirely free, at least in the winter. I can't sit in the park, I'm not an avid enough runner yet to consider a morning run in near zero degree temps, and visiting a friend would be fine, but wouldn't really give me true "alone" time. I know I don't *have* to be solo every week, but, for now I need to be in order to return my focus to me. With so few free options, my mind reels over how much my alone time will cost me. See, for me, money is a huge issue. Even spending $2.00 for a refillable cup of coffee is very challenging. I can't describe it in terms that would make much sense to others, but, spending money, especially on myself, has become next to impossible. I find it hard to justify myself getting anything when I know we have unfinished projects in the house, the kids might need x, y, or z, and if I could instead spend that money on food for my family, that's what I'd do. One year I tried bi-weekly manicures, and I kept that up for about four months. Then when finances were tight one week, I canceled the next appointment and never went back. The following year I decided to do something I'd never done before and got a haircut with a color. Yes, I'd had hair cuts before (never with any regularity), but never the color part. That has always seemed so frivolous to me, and I never felt that it was something I deserved, or should spend my money on. But I did it. I think that year, I went four times. That was a LOT for me. Again, though, before that last appointment, finances were tight, and rather than reschedule until after the next pay day, I canceled and never went back.

I try to find the negative in things when I see them at the store, convincing myself why I should not buy it. The kids are too young for that toy, that game will suck up all of Daddy's time, that thing would be cool but I'd get bored of it quickly...the inner conflict continues. It goes on in the background of my mind, but it takes front and center in my decision making. Only when I decide to deny my thoughts, and throw all caution to the wind will I actually slap that money down and bite the bullet and buy something. Push really has to come to shove, though, and usually I am faced with the option of buying said item, or explaining to someone why I don't want to. That would mean, though, revealing my inner struggle, and nobody wants to be burdened with that, so I give in and put all the dangers of spending that money aside, and I'll buy it. It could be something as simple as a candle, something that would make me feel good, but I won't do it.

So going to Panera is a huge step for me. To spend money on myself, and combine that with time spent on me, that's monumental. This morning, seeing a $5 in my pocket, I felt secure that I would be OK even getting a little snack on top of the coffee, and I headed out.

Today I brought Healthy Selfishness rather than Twilight, and I was excited to get to reading more of it. I carved out time Wednesday and Thursday nights, and I knew I'd make much more progress this morning. When I got to Panera, I brifely scoped the seating, only to find that the two comfy chairs and the booth I sat in the first week were all occupied. Today is a bright, sunny day, so I decided to sit near the front of the restaurant and take in the beautiful light. No booths over there, no big comfy chairs, though. There are two long bar height tables, but I ruled those out because I am one person, those would be for a small group. Even though I'd benefit from the most direct light, I opted for a little 4-seater table next to the tall tables. I'm not confident enough to stand and look around long and hard to find that just right spot in the restaurant, so I quickly chose an open table and stuck with it.

I mentioned the first week how anxious I sometimes get when ordering a coffee at one of these coffee places. Luckily, Panera has three sizes, and despite having names other than 'small, medium, large' on their menu, they still acknowledge this language and will give you the size you are looking for. I've gotten used to it in my now three visits. What I'm still unsure of is how one gets the elusive mug instead of disposable cup. The disposable cup has its merits, since I can refill and take a hot coffee home with me when I leave. Still, I feel like I haven't graduated to the elite level of the ceramic mug. I also tend to prefer reusable over disposable, but, I'll save that Earthy talk for another post at another time. Anyway, I figured today I'd mix it up a little and instead of ordering a large or grande coffee, I'd tell the girl taking my order that I wanted a cup of coffee. So, I did just that and ordered the chocolate pastry and a cup of coffee. Sadly, I discovered that the 'cup of coffee' is not the mug, it's the small disposable cup. Next week I just might tackle the ceramic mug issue, but for now I was satisfied with my choice, and I took my seat.

I sat with my back to the door, with a not so great view of the ordering counter. I did this on purpose because my tendency is to people watch. With this book in hand, I knew people watching had to take a back seat, and my focus needed to remain on the reading. Still, there were some people that caught my eye regardless. My table was situated in the middle of the carpeted area at the front, with benches and small tables along the wall, tall tables along the windows, and a select few 2 and 4 seaters. A vulnerable position, being in the middle of the area. Still, it worked. At the benches were two gentlemen, probably in their 60's, casually dressed and reading the paper, having breakfast, and discussing the issues in the news and their community. The table next to me on my right hosted a gentleman of about the same age as the other two, alone, reading the paper. He was dressed in a nice yellow sweater over a dress shirt, and a nice pair of pants. Perhaps this was his before or after church stop, or perhaps he dresses well in general. Either way, he was also enjoying some alone time. The lady seated behind him, at the end of the benches against the half wall dividing the seating area from the bagel cutting machine, was in her own little world. She reminded me of a movie character that someone like Olympia Dukakis or Shirley Maclaine would probably play. Well kept, dressed a step up from blue jeans, slightly eclectic, small reading-type glasses, colored hair, and a stack of well-worn books atop a spiral bound notebook. She was deep in thought most of the time, reading a page or so, then holding the book veritcally on the table top, eyes closed, breathing steady, concentrating on the words she's just taken in with her eyes, absorbing them with her mind. Seems that each time I glanced up, she was doing so with another book from the stack. The spines of these small paper back books were quite worn, so I wasn't able to see what kinds of books she was concentrating on, or what she might have been writing about in her notebook. Toward the end of my stay, she was on her mobile phone with her hand over her mouth as she spoke, leading me to believe that she was taking in some pretty important words, or at least only wanted to share them with the person on the other end of the call.

Amazing to me this morning was the number of customers who were so picky about their breakfast foods. More than one of them led the women behind the counter to specific pastries, bagles, or muffins, because apparently all the others were just not right. A couple had very specific requirements about the toasting of their bagels, and one woman seemed to be buying for an entire church congregation, keeping the girl behind the counter very busy for quite some time, grabbing 8 of these bagels, 4 of these, 7 of those. Then a very peculiar couple of customers arrived, and I couldn't pull my eyes away. A woman and (I believe) a man, most likely siblings based on their utter resemblance to each other. The woman had blonde hair with waves that seemed difficult to style, and I think her glasses only stayed on her face because of her keen ability to raise her upper lip, tilt her head upward, wrinkle her nose and furrow her brow as she tried to read the menu. Her companion, whom I believe was a man, brought the name "Pat" to my mind immediately. I'll leave it at that. I don't know why these two characters drew my attention like they did, but, they did.

Despite the people watching, I was able to absorb quite a bit of this book, suddenly finding that I've now read over 100 pages of it. That's more than I've read any book in as long as I can remember. It's a great feeling, and what I've learned brings me more positivity than I've felt in a long time.

Before I left, a group of three women, probably late 40's, early 50's, sat at the table behind me. Before they'd all ordered and taken their seats, they greeted a young man, about my age, who apparently has a pulled back and just joined a gym, and grew up in DuPage county. It's funny the things you learn about people you're not even talking to in such a short time!

At first, it seemed like just Sunday morning coffee for the ladies as they updated each other on the events of the past week. One got to sleep in and "go marketing" on Thursday (apparently this is her speak for "grocery shopping"). One spent a day driving around a lot getting to various appointments and obligations. The other is considering a part time opportunity to work somewhere like a library or something. Before I knew it, they were talking about how to get a job collecting for the US Census. They all made it obvious that they don't want to go door to door, but, they definitely want roles in data collection. One woman even pointed out that by working on the Census, you'd get this attractive tote bag, and it's a good credential to have in your arsenal of "I've done this" for a resume. I decided to wrap up my reading when the women, and the young man, began to voice their displeasure with citizens who don't wish to disclose information about their lives to the Government. Realizing that this is a hot button topic and one which I would tend to disagree with these folks about, and since my two hours were nearing an end, I chose a good spot to end my reading in my book. I refilled my coffee as the young man with the pulled back was filling his first cup. After exchanging a quick agreement that coffee is a morning necessity, I returned to my table, finished my chocolate pastry, gathered my jacket and book and bid my neighbors a good day.

Morning coffee in hand, I returned home to the sounds of excited giggles from my children as they watched Daddy play a race car video game. More relaxed than I've been in a while, I'm enjoying my Sunday with my family, and have agreed to take the day one step at a time. Writing has helped me to sort my thoughts, and to escape the hurtful dialogue that my mind holds every moment of the day.

I now look forward to Sunday mornings with my coffee and a good book, and to returning to my husband and children. I'm excited to know that this is only the first step in my long journey toward happiness and freedom. Who would have thunk that a cup of coffee could serve me such a wonderful new beginning. I certainly didn't.

Until next time...