Today I got the official diagnosis, I definitely have ADD. What a relief.
I really enjoy talking with my new friend for many reasons. She's easy going, but, straight forward. She's factual without going over my head. She's genuinely concerned, and understands. She's not judgemental. She is there to help me. Conversely, I'm ready for the help.
My head has filled with memories of the past over the last couple of days since we first talked about ADD. So many things started to make sense, so many judgements I've made of myself have been proven false, and many others proven true. I actually realized yesterday that I have some awesome strengths. That was probably the first time that I've had such a thought. All these things about myself which are related to the ADD, I usually thought were negatives. Now I realize that they are not bad things, and they can be used to my advantage!
We did an assessment today, to confirm and officially diagnose the ADD. After rating a series of questions from zero to three (zero = the absence of; three = extreme presence of), there was no doubt that my new friend had hit the nail on the head. It was very interesting listening to the questions, and realizing that all these things about me were for a real reason. I'm not just stubborn, impatient, and judgemental of others. I'm actually moving so quickly that I get frustrated easily when others aren't moving at the same speed. And, that speed is quicker than most others around me. Sometimes, even I can't keep up.
What keeps coming to mind for me is my kids. I need to be able to slow down enough that I will be able to recognize the symptoms in my kids. I want to be able to parent them the way they deserve to be parented, rather than be the nagging, expecting-too-much kind of mom for whom nothing is good enough. I want to be able to slow down long enough to enjoy activities with my kids, and enjoy their enjoyment. I want to be able to listen to them without them feeling like I'm not really there. I want them to grow up able to cope with school, friends, and life in general. I don't want them to have to feel that they don't measure up, and try to over compensate in other ways.
I want my daughter to feel pretty. I want my son to feel handsome. I want both my kids to feel valued, wanted, and able. I don't want to get in their way just because I can't wrap my head around getting through the day.
I feel empowered as a mom because I now have the awareness, the tools, and the knowledge to watch my kids, and offer them guidance. I can take steps to help them if they need it, but also to let them flourish in their own ways without making them feel that their own way is the wrong way, or isn't good enough. By healing myself, I can be a better mom.
My new friend and I talked today about my relationship with money. We identified and agreed that the relationship isn't truly about money. There's something else there. There's something behind the self-deprivation, the self-denial, the negative feelings that come to the surface with money. All the money in the world won't change the feelings that exist, and that's the core I need to reach for and explore. What makes me so resistant to doing for me? It's more than the usual "mom puts herself last", which is common among mothers. I don't want to show my children that I don't value myself, and that I am not worth being valued by them. I want my kids to see their mommy as someone to look up to, to respect, and who is worthy. I don't want to be the Mommy who did without and became bitter and couldn't be a happy person. I certainly don't want my children to become any of those things. So, it's time to break that pattern in myself, and find the real me.
I have now left the computer at least four times. Twice to go to the kitchen and come back empty handed, twice to go into my daughter's room to intervene as she made mess after mess, rather than cleaning up one thing before moving on to another (per the rule in the house). Now I understand why some of the questions on the ADD assessment were about whether I tend to interrupt people when they're talking, or enter conversations I'm not initially included in. Blush, blush..... :)
So, I have to figure out why I deny myself. Why do I neglect me? What is it from my past that caused me to develop this way of thinking? Then, how do I correct it? I am anxious to get to the root of that so that I can finally treat me, and in turn, be more giving in the right ways to my family.
The journey has only just begun, so I'd better get my seat belt on and buckle up for the ride.
Showing posts with label self-denial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-denial. Show all posts
04 February, 2010
28 January, 2010
The journey of exploration
I feel sometimes as if I need to be rescued from myself. I am a prisoner to the whilring thoughts and statements in my brain which I can't seem to turn off. There is a constant chatter in my head (on top of my Tinnitus), and it has gotten to a point where I am unable to escape it.
I am a wife and mother, I have a full time job outside the home, I have friends and family. Despite all these things, I still view myself as a failure. I can't seem to not beat myself up, and I don't ever give myself credit. I feel riddled with guilt and doubt, and it prevents me from making the simplest of decisions.
This week I have also discovered the onset of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. My fingers and hands are experiencing periods of numbness, and my forearms and elbows are beginning to ache and hurt. I try to be aware of my hands and arms as I work at my desk at the office, and when I use the computer at home. Still, I know that I have many corrections to make to my posture which would probably alleviate some of the stress on my arms while I work.
I know that stress can also manifest itself in different ways in different people. I would categorize my stress level as pretty high right now, which could be contributing to my poor posture, tense muscles, and the onset of the numbness and pain. I know there's no quick fix, but, I'm trying to be more aware of my body so that I can try to help myself prevent the symptoms.
In trying to be more aware of my physical presence, I'm also trying to be more aware of what is going on in my head. My mind plays cruel games with me, and I often find myself at a stand still when it comes to making simple decisions, like whether or not to go to the store to get milk on the way home from work. While not actually a complicated task, my mind complicates it. What store should I go to? Who has milk on sale? Is it worth another $1 a gallon to go to store X so that I can get milk before collecting the kids from day care? If I stop, what time will we get home? What will I do first to get dinner ready? What will I have the kids do while I make dinner? Do I have enough money to get the milk? If I get it now, when will I have to get milk again?
This is what my head does. All the time. Even thinking about going to bed is a challenge sometimes. Sometimes I just decide not to do anything. I can't even decide to get milk, what's my problem? Now I go on with the reasons I am unable to make a decision. I blame myself, put myself down, and generally feel badly about myself that I have so little capability as to go get milk.
This is not healthy. This is self-denial. I have to learn to be more accepting of myself, and more nice to myself. Why am I so mean to myself? Why do I criticize myself like this? Why is it so hard for me to accept my successes, and not focus on my failures? Seems when I think about something, my first thought is why it won't work, why I can't do it/get it done, why it doesn't fit into my schedule, why I can't afford it, why I don't deserve it, why it's not worthy for me.
It's making me crazy. It's keeping me from being happy. It's keeping me from enjoying every day's simple pleasures. I need to find that happiness. I need to be freed from the prison I've created in my mind. I need to find that place in life that's just right for me. I need to enable myself to make plans, provide for my family, and give myself credit for the things that I do, and not blame myself for the things I don't do.
As odd as it sounds, finding ways to deal with the Carpal Tunnel are almost crippling to my mind. I can't buy a brace for my wrists, I don't have it badly enough to require surgery, and I lose my concentration on my posture. There are three negative statements that I have just given myself. First, I have issues spending money. Second, I have discounted my symptoms as not serious, and basically decided that I don't deserve treatment. Third, I have so many of these negatives in my head, I don't focus on me enough to correct physical symptoms like this pain and numbness, and the other side effects of my negativity.
These are the things I'm trying to overcome. I'm trying to overcome my inability to reason with myself, be positive with myself, and allow myself to focus on me, rather than denying myslef that basic necessity. From there, I hope that I'm able to move forward and be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will write about my journey here.
I am a wife and mother, I have a full time job outside the home, I have friends and family. Despite all these things, I still view myself as a failure. I can't seem to not beat myself up, and I don't ever give myself credit. I feel riddled with guilt and doubt, and it prevents me from making the simplest of decisions.
This week I have also discovered the onset of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. My fingers and hands are experiencing periods of numbness, and my forearms and elbows are beginning to ache and hurt. I try to be aware of my hands and arms as I work at my desk at the office, and when I use the computer at home. Still, I know that I have many corrections to make to my posture which would probably alleviate some of the stress on my arms while I work.
I know that stress can also manifest itself in different ways in different people. I would categorize my stress level as pretty high right now, which could be contributing to my poor posture, tense muscles, and the onset of the numbness and pain. I know there's no quick fix, but, I'm trying to be more aware of my body so that I can try to help myself prevent the symptoms.
In trying to be more aware of my physical presence, I'm also trying to be more aware of what is going on in my head. My mind plays cruel games with me, and I often find myself at a stand still when it comes to making simple decisions, like whether or not to go to the store to get milk on the way home from work. While not actually a complicated task, my mind complicates it. What store should I go to? Who has milk on sale? Is it worth another $1 a gallon to go to store X so that I can get milk before collecting the kids from day care? If I stop, what time will we get home? What will I do first to get dinner ready? What will I have the kids do while I make dinner? Do I have enough money to get the milk? If I get it now, when will I have to get milk again?
This is what my head does. All the time. Even thinking about going to bed is a challenge sometimes. Sometimes I just decide not to do anything. I can't even decide to get milk, what's my problem? Now I go on with the reasons I am unable to make a decision. I blame myself, put myself down, and generally feel badly about myself that I have so little capability as to go get milk.
This is not healthy. This is self-denial. I have to learn to be more accepting of myself, and more nice to myself. Why am I so mean to myself? Why do I criticize myself like this? Why is it so hard for me to accept my successes, and not focus on my failures? Seems when I think about something, my first thought is why it won't work, why I can't do it/get it done, why it doesn't fit into my schedule, why I can't afford it, why I don't deserve it, why it's not worthy for me.
It's making me crazy. It's keeping me from being happy. It's keeping me from enjoying every day's simple pleasures. I need to find that happiness. I need to be freed from the prison I've created in my mind. I need to find that place in life that's just right for me. I need to enable myself to make plans, provide for my family, and give myself credit for the things that I do, and not blame myself for the things I don't do.
As odd as it sounds, finding ways to deal with the Carpal Tunnel are almost crippling to my mind. I can't buy a brace for my wrists, I don't have it badly enough to require surgery, and I lose my concentration on my posture. There are three negative statements that I have just given myself. First, I have issues spending money. Second, I have discounted my symptoms as not serious, and basically decided that I don't deserve treatment. Third, I have so many of these negatives in my head, I don't focus on me enough to correct physical symptoms like this pain and numbness, and the other side effects of my negativity.
These are the things I'm trying to overcome. I'm trying to overcome my inability to reason with myself, be positive with myself, and allow myself to focus on me, rather than denying myslef that basic necessity. From there, I hope that I'm able to move forward and be a better wife, mother, and friend. I will write about my journey here.
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