Me time, part 4 (B)

Today's me time posting had to take two entries.  First, I have too many thoughts in my mind to create any single entry that would make any sense to anyone other than me.  Second, I need to focus my thoughts about my progress with ME in their own spot, I don't want to mix them too much with other stuff that goes on in my head.  Three, it's totally unfair to any reader to have to scroll for days just to read about two hours of my life in a restaurant.  So, this is my part B entry for my me time today.

Today I took notes.  I already talked about how hard it was for me to focus today, and taking notes at least keeps me reminded that I had a thought.  So often I have too many thoughts at a single time to keep them straight even to myself, so I agreed to let myself rely on my pen and paper today. 

I got to Panera this morning, unsure of what the morning would bring.  The past three visits, I knew that I was taking time for me, and I really wanted it.  Today I didn't have that entirely selfish feeling about it, though.  I can't pin point it, I can't make sense of it.  I just felt differently this morning (one might qualify that feeling as "hungover", but, I hesitate to use that word just yet, I have felt worse in the past).  OK, move on.

I approached the counter and waited my turn to order, catching the eye of the girl behind the counter.  I can't tell if the staff are beginning to recognize me, and it doesn't matter if they do, but it always feels nice when someone remembers you.  Well, me.  Anyway, I soon realized that the girl's eyes meeting mine might have been a cry for help from the guy in front of me.  The man in front of me stood probably just over 6 feet tall, is probably in his early 60's, and was dressed well, including a nice hat.  You just don't see men, or women for that matter, wearing nice hats that often these days.  A ball cap, usually, but not a nice brimmed topper with a gentle pucker in the top for easy application.  He was holding a book in the crook of his arm, "The Modern Gentleman", and I could see that he was exemplary of the title.  His ability to order food and drink, though, were blatantly lacking.  The poor girl behind the counter had to explain to him that he could order his food from her, she would tell him the total cost, he would pay her, and the food could be collected at the counter to his right.  Now I thought I had issues with ordering in a coffee shop, but this guy made me feel like I was a pro.  I lost count at three times that she showed him where he would collect his sandwhich after it was freshly made to his specificiations.  After repeating that the bread was only lightly buttered, no mayo, she reminded him again where he could find the desired condements should his sandwhich need additional decoration.  Excited to have grasped the concept, he nearly vacated his place in line before the girl behind the counter returned his credit card and gave him his receipt and "your food's ready" light-up square.  After completing the transaction fully, it was then my turn to order.

I decided not to set my sights on the mug today.  I was satisfied with the paper cup idea, and knowing I could take it home with me, and I wouldn't have to get up to refill too often, as I would with the mug.  I just didn't have it in me today to put that much effort into my coffee.  I opted not to order food, I don't like to overachieve on mornings like this.  So I paid my fee and turned to the table with the coffee.  I was shocked, left vulnerable, and unsure what to do.  The hazlenut coffee was not on the table.  Oh no.  Are they not offering it today?  Did I miss something?  Were they cutting costs?  What happened??  Slowly, I got a grip on myself and turned around to see a young guy with his Panera shirt and name tag on.  I didn't bother to read his name, I needed coffee, his name didn't matter to me.  I asked if the hazlenut was brewing, and he flashed a sympathetic smile and told me yes, it would be ready in a few minutes.  Whew!  I relaxed and agreed to wait at my chosen spot until the brew arrived.  For a moment, though, I contemplated the light roast and thought about how much extra half and half and sugar I would add if I went that route, or perhaps I should go to the counter and explain that I don't like unflavored coffee and I would prefer a mocha or a latte or something else that I don't know how to order just for the sake of having something to drink while I hogged a seat in a restaurant for way longer than you should be allowed to do.  Thankfully, none of that action was required, and soon the hazlenut arrived to the table.  I could tell I wasn't the only one who was caught off guard, as I noticed the coffee was tapped almost as soon as the girl brought it to the table.  OK, mission salvaged.

I chose a seat along the wall in the same area I sat in last week.  I realized that sitting with my back to the majority of the action was too uncomfortable for me, so I chose the bench seat along the wall so that I could take in more of the scenery.  I sat close enough to the window that I was able to drink up the plentiful sunshine, despite the fact that my eyes and head didn't seem to be on board with the plan.  My mind and body yearn for a good dose of sunshine this time of year, but, the eye and head team don't often play nice in that sandbox.  Of course, taking them all to the bar last night didn't really do much for getting them all on the same page.  Still, I knew that the sun would be good for me, and I took my place on the bench seat.  I noticed immediately that the two men in this seat last week were at one of the high tables along the window.  Lucky dogs.  The man with the yellow sweater was at the same table as last week, but, the sweater was a different color.  I didn't notice the color of his sweater this week, I hadn't had my coffee yet.  I did notice, though, when he left that his soft scarf was a very pretty buttery yellow, so he did continue the theme this week.  It's a nice color on him, too.  After settling in my seat, I noticed that I probably followed a pack of wolves by the look of the mess on the floor and three small tables pushed together.  I am always amazed at how difficult it appears to be for some people to aim for the mouth, and to succeed in that endeavour.  Laying judgement aside, I kept the seat because it was too much effort to move, and I didn't want to look stupid. 

Ignoring my eyes and their request to be hidden, I stared outside at the softly falling snow.  We're not getting the 2 feet of snow that they got out East, but, there was some snow falling.  It was almost like a movie where the snow is falling slowly just for the sake of allowing the camera to catch its white beauty.  The thought kept entering my mind, "Can you hear the snow falling?".  Odd thought, I guess.  Anyway, I stared at the snow as it fell on the parking lot, and it was very calming.  My eyes won the battle and their cries to make me stop looking out the window were heeded, as I returned my sights on the customers exiting the dining area.  For the most part ,the crowd is dressed pretty well.  I already admitted I'm definitely not a fashion plate, but, that's not to say that I live in the slummy clothes that I was wearing on my first visit here.  I know what's within the acceptable boundaries of good taste and obvious effort when you dress to leave your house and present yourself to the general public.  At least, I would argue that I do.  What puzzles me, though, are people like one woman I saw who gave no impression of effort, and left no doubt that she'd literally just rolled out of bed.  Baggy sweat pants, oversized boots, a jacket two sizes too big, and hair that needed some desperate attention, I couldn't believe that she really left the house and agreed with herself that she looked alright to go out somewhere and eat.  I know it's not the 95th or anything, but even *I* brushed my hair.  I wonder what the man with the hat would have thought.  Or the mid-60's gentleman with two lady friends at a table near the door, wearing their Sunday's best.  Oh well, I guess that's how things are today.  The place is casual, so why put the effort into your own appearance?  I don't certainly mean that one should wear make up, a suit and tie, or go to that extreme, but, at least brush your hair and put on sweats that fit you.  And to the woman with the purse that literally hung to her knee, time for a new purse.  Seriously, no purse was ever intended to hang at your knee.  Messenger bag, look into it.  Thank you.

It wasn't long before the two gentlemen at the tall table retreated to journey on with their Sundays.  One guy grabbed his paper and coffee and headed right for the door.  The other made an obligatory call home before getting up from the table.  After he slowly departed the restaurant, I looked around the area and noticed that I was the only one in the whole area.  Well, besides two women at a table next to the door, but, they were pretty deep in their conversation, so I knew that they didn't notice anything that was going on around them.  This was my chance to try the tall table by the window.  By now, my eyes had adjusted to the sun light and I wasn't entirely comfortable on the bench seat.  Once I got up the guts, I moved to the tall table by the window.  It felt good to be that much closer to the window where I could feel the sun shine on my face.  It was a little more comfortable, too, with the taller seat, firm seat back, and I was able to rest my feet on the seat across from me.  There were some crumbs on the table, but, the two gentlemen before me were definitely neater than whomever had preceeded me at my previous seat along the wall. 

The nice manager, I think her name tag said "Laurie", came by to clean the tables, and asked if I minded her cleaning mine.  I told her that was no problem for me and I tried to move my book and coffe out of her way, and she picked up my sunglasses off the table.  As she went to lay them back down, they slipped from her hand and she joked that she'd just scratched my expensive shades, to which I just had to laugh.  We continued a little joking about the merits of buying inexpensive sunglasses and the inhernt risk of loss and damage when we spend more money.  Just then, the lady in the Alaska sweatshirt who'd just arrived said that she never paid more than $X for sunglasses until she got prescription ones, which she promptly broke.  We three shared some fun blips about cheap sunglasses and where to get the cheapest, but, decent looking, sunglasses.  The Alaska lady went to the counter to order, and Laurie continued on with her duties.  I went back to my book, then glanced out the window to see the guy with the pulled back (from last week) walking toward the store.  Ah, a familiar face.  As he entered the restaurant, he immediately found a spot (where the man in the yellow sweater had been sitting) and then went to the counter to order.

I have to tangent for a moment to note that I don't know that I've ever rested my things before going to the counter to order.  I kind of do it the old school way by entering, ordering, then sitting.  Both the guy with the pulled back and Alaska lady sat first, then ordered.  Hm.

Turns out, pulled back guy and Alaska lady know each other.  It wasn't long before Alaska lady was joined by a pleasant woman in a bright, striped turtle neck, and I realized that these were the ladies from the table beside me last week, who talked about the census.  Ah, this appears to be a regular meeting time and place for the ladies.  It was just me, the ladies, and the pulled back guy in our area, so I was able to hear most of what they talked about.  This added to my difficulty focusing on my book, but I decided not to fight it and just listen to whatever my mind picked out in the room.  It almost seems unfair, too, that I am learning so much about all these strangers and they know nothing of me.  I'm there by myself, yet they are there together sharing snippets with each other, and as a result, with me.  Anyway, this week I found out that pulled back guy has a son of unknown (to me) age, and I believe has a lady in his life expecting a child (his?), is a teacher, didn't vote Tuesday due to oversleeping and time constraints, he doesn't like Melville, wanted the Saints to win the Super Bowl.  Of the three ladies from last week, one was not going to be joining the other two.  One of the ladies borrowed Love, Actually from pulled back guy, which led to a discussion about Love, Actually vs. Gone With the Wind (random); both ladies were rooting for the Colts, and the great things about Netflix.  All this conversation is nice and chatty, but, I get the feeling that these ladies are at Panera for more than just girl talk and seeing pulled back guy.  They're here to make plans, to take action, and make changes in their worlds.  They didn't get to discussing their thoughts on the census before I realized that it was time for me to leave.

I knew I wasn't focusing my thoughts and energy on me, which is the point for my alone time, so I decided to pack it up.  As I did, a man in a Bears hat, blue shirt, and blue and orange vest approached the table of two of the three ladies, and soon sat to discuss the Super Bowl and why he decided it didn't matter to him who wins the game.  He appeared to be alone, had already gotten his coffe, and sat at a table beside the ladies.  His demeanor was almost guarded as he approached their table, as if he was prepared to battle over the football game or the comparison between Love, Actually and GWTW, or maybe he doesn't like Netflix.  Who knows.  I didn't stay long enough to find out.  As I left the restaurant, pulled back guy was engrossed in something on his laptop, the two of three ladies were talking to the guy in the Bears hat, and the man in the hat from earlier was seated near the big comfy chairs reading a book.  I don't recall seeing him leave, but, he must have because his copy of "The Modern Gentleman" rested on the table next to the new book, a very thick piece which he was thoroughly intersted in at that moment.  His hat lay next to the Gentleman book.

I left the restaurant and headed to the store for a few things before heading home.  I'm not sure if the tall table is just right for me, but am willing to give it a try again next time.  The tall table gave me a new perspective, a new angle on the area I sat in.  Perhaps I need to try another spot to get yet another angle, another perspective.  Just as I likely should do in my own life, find a new angle, a new perspective.  My reading, and knowing I have ADD are both my tall table, allowing me to now seek that new angle, that new perspective.  And even a new cup of coffee.

ME time, part 4 (A)

Today I am tired.  I read somewhere that the symptoms of ADD can be worse when one is tired, and today is one of those days for me.  I look back at my past three posts about my me time, and I'm amazed at how well I put my thoughts into words.  Actually, the first week they poured out of me.  The second, I remembered the things I'd noticed and written about the first week, and sort of tried to continue the theme.  Last week I focused more on my reading about healthy selfishness, but I had a focus.  This week, I am quite scattered.  Being tired does wonders on my mind.  I've always required sleep, and as a child was one of those kids that needed sleep more than other kids.  Looking back, I had difficulty with sleep.  I was the kid who kept coming out of their room at nap time asking, "Can I come out of my room now?" over and over and over again.  It's surprising that my mother didn't drink her way through those years.  Then again, maybe she did.  I was always the first one up in our house, but, quickly learned to be stealth and nobody really knew I was up.  I was, and still am on occaision, a sleep walker and/or talker.  Sleep and I have a pretty strained relationship, and having kids didn't help bring us any closer.

So today I am tired because my husband and I got out of the house last night.  We went to see a friend's band play at a local brewery and restaurant.  We chose to eat dinner at the venue, giving us some time to chat, relax, and be kid free for a short time.  It was really nice, and I freely allowed us to spend some money, order a few drinks, and not freak out when the bill came.  We didn't blow the farm or anything, but, normally I would have walked in with limited cash and been very picky about what I ordered.  I let go and just enjoyed myself.  Anyway, we only saw the first set before we decided to head home.  My husband seems to be coming down with the sore throat thing is that caught me earlier this week, and we are going to see friends for tonight's Super Bowl.  We knew a late night last night would mean misery today.  A brief review, if you could call it that, of last night's band - wow!  They are high energy, rhythmically exciting, and put on a great show.  I really wish we could have stayed for the whole thing, and next time we see them we'll definitely plan accordingly.  Aside from a few small things (turn that girl's mike up!), they satisfy their crowd, and you could see the loyalty of their followers in the audience. 

I digress.

I brought my Healthy Selfishness and my booklet on ADHD with me today.  This was my first me time since the official diagnosis of ADD on Thursday.  I knew that today I wanted to prioritize the issues I want to deal with, as my new friend and I discussed Thursday.  I have the assessment, and I read it over a couple of times.  I found it very difficult to see the words on the paper and make much sense of them.  I am to choose three categories from the assessment, and rank them in order of my desire to work on them.  Things like 'easily distracted', 'can't get organized', 'no follow through', are the categories on the assessment.  I am to choose these three, and rank them with respect to which I want to tackle and improve now, then which one(s) to work on for the near future, and lastly the one(s) to work on improving for the road ahead.  It's not as easy as you might think, especially when your brain is going a million miles a minute in a zillion directions, and you aren't really absorbing the information as you read it. 

I did my best, though.  I tried to focus on my reading, and not on the insanely fun people watching that is offered bountifully in the restaurant.  I plugged along, and I think I did pretty well.  I ranked my top 3 categories on the assessment, and ranked three categories for now, three for soon, and three for down the road.  For the now, I wish to work on a) being on the go, b) can't organize, and c) difficulty following through.  I struggle with these and then argue with myself in my mind over them.  I am a Virgo, Type A personality, and my father and his side of the family are probably some of the most anal, organized, and busy people I know.  Everything has a place, everything goes in that place, and that's all there is to it.  I believe and appreciate this train of thought, but putting it into practice causes me great anxiety.  I *am* organized, but, allow disorganization to occur.  Once things are out of order or disorganized, I stumble and struggle to gain control again.  For instance, I put the mail on the kitchen counter when I bring it in.  I put the kids' school papers there, too.  I leave my sunglasses there so I don't forget to take them when I got out.  So the kitchen counter quickly fills up, faster than I even realize.  Once all that stuff is on there, I fight in my head about where to put it and what to do with it.  I sort it on the counter making neat piles (none too high), leaving it all at one end of the counter so it's easily seen.  When I am able to make it appear neater, my whole house feels more put together.  Then I go into my bedroom and see that I haven't put away my laundry, and the feeling of anxiety over the disorganization starts all over again.  Going from room to room, I can feel my anxiety levels change as I visualize all the things that need to be done.  Still, I am unable to do anything about it because just thinking about what needs to be done in a single room is work in itself.  I go to put a bill on the computer desk and see that there is a huge stack of papers, but I was only dropping the bill on the desk on my way to put a toy in Ethel's room, so if I stop to sort the papers and straighten out the desk, now I have forgotten about putting the toy in Ethel's room, then Ethel asks about the toy, so I abandon the pile of papers......I think you get the idea.

Maybe this happens to other people, I don't know.  This is my normal, though.  This is how everything in my life is for me.  Should I sit down on the bed?  If I do, I have to move that pillow sham, and when I get to the linen closet I notice we're almost out of shampoo, so I go to the kitchen where my grocery list is and I add shampoo to the list, then I check the fridge to see if there's something else we need while I'm making the list....in the end, I choose not to sit on the bed.  Just the thought of what it takes to sit there is overwhelming.  Most people would either move the sham and sit, or put it in the closet and return to be seated.  Perhaps this allows you to see why I am rejoicing in knowing that there is something behind my madness, or perceived madness.  I am not using it as an excuse for why I'm not doing things or why my house is always cluttered in my eyes, but, I now know that I'm not just simply neurotic.  I'm not a slacker, and I'm not inherently disorganized.  Quite the opposite.  I'm just so acutely aware of everything in my surroundings that it swallows me and renders me seemingly helpless.

Back to my me time.  {see, even writing things out I jump all over the place!  LOL}  I prioritized my action items from the assessment.  I feel pretty good about how I ranked the items, and look forward to the plan of action that I hope my new friend and I will draw up this coming Wednesday, the next time we meet.  After ranking my items, I returned to my book.  I am reading Healthy Selfishness with a whole new perspective.

I'm at the point in the book where I've identified that I am a Level 3 Self-Denier, suppressing my own needs, wants, and feelings.  I am now reading the strategies for successfully implementing the changes in my life which I need to make in order to halt the negativity that swirls around in my mind with respect to myself.  In turn, this will help me nurture and heal my relationships in all aspects of my life (well, most, the book isn't claiming to change *everything*).  I didn't get very far in reading this morning because I was having difficulty concentrating on it.  The assessment is brief and a little easier to absorb, while the book is more in-depth and needs more of my focus. 

Here's where another issue comes to the forefront for me.  I also have Tinnitus.  My tinnitus presents as a high pitched ring in both ears.  Everyone with Tinnitus would probably describe their presentation in a different manner, but for me the only words I can come up with are 'high pitched ring'.  I have had it for as long as I can remember, so I don't believe that my Walkman or attendance at concerts were the cause, although I can say that they didn't help matters.  Having gone out to see the band last night has brought the Tinnitus out of the gates.  Often I don't notice it unless I stop and think about it, but, I know it's there all the time.  Today, it's there whether I think about it or not.  This makes it tough for me to block out background noise and keep my focus, because once the background noise is not my focus, the ringing takes center stage.  Most people get that ringing in their ears the day after a concert, but it goes away.  Mine never goes away.

I feel good about what I accomplished this morning.  I cut my time short, though, because my husband isn't feeling great, and I wasn't focusing like I wanted to.  Once I let myself admit that it was OK to go, I gathered my book, booklet, and my coffee and headed for home.  On the way I stopped at the store for a couple ingredients for the dip I'm bringing to our friend's place tonight.  I walked in the door at home to the most awesome sounds.  Everyone was in the basement, and the kids were cheering Daddy on as he played a video game.  Ethel and Fred yelled to me to come join them and see Daddy racing his cars.  So I did.  I joined my family, with no anxiety about it, no trepidation, no expectations.  I sat with my kids and watched their Daddy play a video game, and we laughed and cheered together. 

There's nothing like cheering on Daddy with the kids.