Today I am tired. I read somewhere that the symptoms of ADD can be worse when one is tired, and today is one of those days for me. I look back at my past three posts about my me time, and I'm amazed at how well I put my thoughts into words. Actually, the first week they poured out of me. The second, I remembered the things I'd noticed and written about the first week, and sort of tried to continue the theme. Last week I focused more on my reading about healthy selfishness, but I had a focus. This week, I am quite scattered. Being tired does wonders on my mind. I've always required sleep, and as a child was one of those kids that needed sleep more than other kids. Looking back, I had difficulty with sleep. I was the kid who kept coming out of their room at nap time asking, "Can I come out of my room now?" over and over and over again. It's surprising that my mother didn't drink her way through those years. Then again, maybe she did. I was always the first one up in our house, but, quickly learned to be stealth and nobody really knew I was up. I was, and still am on occaision, a sleep walker and/or talker. Sleep and I have a pretty strained relationship, and having kids didn't help bring us any closer.
So today I am tired because my husband and I got out of the house last night. We went to see a friend's band play at a local brewery and restaurant. We chose to eat dinner at the venue, giving us some time to chat, relax, and be kid free for a short time. It was really nice, and I freely allowed us to spend some money, order a few drinks, and not freak out when the bill came. We didn't blow the farm or anything, but, normally I would have walked in with limited cash and been very picky about what I ordered. I let go and just enjoyed myself. Anyway, we only saw the first set before we decided to head home. My husband seems to be coming down with the sore throat thing is that caught me earlier this week, and we are going to see friends for tonight's Super Bowl. We knew a late night last night would mean misery today. A brief review, if you could call it that, of last night's band - wow! They are high energy, rhythmically exciting, and put on a great show. I really wish we could have stayed for the whole thing, and next time we see them we'll definitely plan accordingly. Aside from a few small things (turn that girl's mike up!), they satisfy their crowd, and you could see the loyalty of their followers in the audience.
I digress.
I brought my Healthy Selfishness and my booklet on ADHD with me today. This was my first me time since the official diagnosis of ADD on Thursday. I knew that today I wanted to prioritize the issues I want to deal with, as my new friend and I discussed Thursday. I have the assessment, and I read it over a couple of times. I found it very difficult to see the words on the paper and make much sense of them. I am to choose three categories from the assessment, and rank them in order of my desire to work on them. Things like 'easily distracted', 'can't get organized', 'no follow through', are the categories on the assessment. I am to choose these three, and rank them with respect to which I want to tackle and improve now, then which one(s) to work on for the near future, and lastly the one(s) to work on improving for the road ahead. It's not as easy as you might think, especially when your brain is going a million miles a minute in a zillion directions, and you aren't really absorbing the information as you read it.
I did my best, though. I tried to focus on my reading, and not on the insanely fun people watching that is offered bountifully in the restaurant. I plugged along, and I think I did pretty well. I ranked my top 3 categories on the assessment, and ranked three categories for now, three for soon, and three for down the road. For the now, I wish to work on a) being on the go, b) can't organize, and c) difficulty following through. I struggle with these and then argue with myself in my mind over them. I am a Virgo, Type A personality, and my father and his side of the family are probably some of the most anal, organized, and busy people I know. Everything has a place, everything goes in that place, and that's all there is to it. I believe and appreciate this train of thought, but putting it into practice causes me great anxiety. I *am* organized, but, allow disorganization to occur. Once things are out of order or disorganized, I stumble and struggle to gain control again. For instance, I put the mail on the kitchen counter when I bring it in. I put the kids' school papers there, too. I leave my sunglasses there so I don't forget to take them when I got out. So the kitchen counter quickly fills up, faster than I even realize. Once all that stuff is on there, I fight in my head about where to put it and what to do with it. I sort it on the counter making neat piles (none too high), leaving it all at one end of the counter so it's easily seen. When I am able to make it appear neater, my whole house feels more put together. Then I go into my bedroom and see that I haven't put away my laundry, and the feeling of anxiety over the disorganization starts all over again. Going from room to room, I can feel my anxiety levels change as I visualize all the things that need to be done. Still, I am unable to do anything about it because just thinking about what needs to be done in a single room is work in itself. I go to put a bill on the computer desk and see that there is a huge stack of papers, but I was only dropping the bill on the desk on my way to put a toy in Ethel's room, so if I stop to sort the papers and straighten out the desk, now I have forgotten about putting the toy in Ethel's room, then Ethel asks about the toy, so I abandon the pile of papers......I think you get the idea.
Maybe this happens to other people, I don't know. This is my normal, though. This is how everything in my life is for me. Should I sit down on the bed? If I do, I have to move that pillow sham, and when I get to the linen closet I notice we're almost out of shampoo, so I go to the kitchen where my grocery list is and I add shampoo to the list, then I check the fridge to see if there's something else we need while I'm making the list....in the end, I choose not to sit on the bed. Just the thought of what it takes to sit there is overwhelming. Most people would either move the sham and sit, or put it in the closet and return to be seated. Perhaps this allows you to see why I am rejoicing in knowing that there is something behind my madness, or perceived madness. I am not using it as an excuse for why I'm not doing things or why my house is always cluttered in my eyes, but, I now know that I'm not just simply neurotic. I'm not a slacker, and I'm not inherently disorganized. Quite the opposite. I'm just so acutely aware of everything in my surroundings that it swallows me and renders me seemingly helpless.
Back to my me time. {see, even writing things out I jump all over the place! LOL} I prioritized my action items from the assessment. I feel pretty good about how I ranked the items, and look forward to the plan of action that I hope my new friend and I will draw up this coming Wednesday, the next time we meet. After ranking my items, I returned to my book. I am reading Healthy Selfishness with a whole new perspective.
I'm at the point in the book where I've identified that I am a Level 3 Self-Denier, suppressing my own needs, wants, and feelings. I am now reading the strategies for successfully implementing the changes in my life which I need to make in order to halt the negativity that swirls around in my mind with respect to myself. In turn, this will help me nurture and heal my relationships in all aspects of my life (well, most, the book isn't claiming to change *everything*). I didn't get very far in reading this morning because I was having difficulty concentrating on it. The assessment is brief and a little easier to absorb, while the book is more in-depth and needs more of my focus.
Here's where another issue comes to the forefront for me. I also have Tinnitus. My tinnitus presents as a high pitched ring in both ears. Everyone with Tinnitus would probably describe their presentation in a different manner, but for me the only words I can come up with are 'high pitched ring'. I have had it for as long as I can remember, so I don't believe that my Walkman or attendance at concerts were the cause, although I can say that they didn't help matters. Having gone out to see the band last night has brought the Tinnitus out of the gates. Often I don't notice it unless I stop and think about it, but, I know it's there all the time. Today, it's there whether I think about it or not. This makes it tough for me to block out background noise and keep my focus, because once the background noise is not my focus, the ringing takes center stage. Most people get that ringing in their ears the day after a concert, but it goes away. Mine never goes away.
I feel good about what I accomplished this morning. I cut my time short, though, because my husband isn't feeling great, and I wasn't focusing like I wanted to. Once I let myself admit that it was OK to go, I gathered my book, booklet, and my coffee and headed for home. On the way I stopped at the store for a couple ingredients for the dip I'm bringing to our friend's place tonight. I walked in the door at home to the most awesome sounds. Everyone was in the basement, and the kids were cheering Daddy on as he played a video game. Ethel and Fred yelled to me to come join them and see Daddy racing his cars. So I did. I joined my family, with no anxiety about it, no trepidation, no expectations. I sat with my kids and watched their Daddy play a video game, and we laughed and cheered together.
There's nothing like cheering on Daddy with the kids.
No comments:
Post a Comment